Tomorrow (or tonight, or Thursday, who knows?) I’m leaving for New York City. I’m headed to the BlogHer Conference, which I’ve been excited about for MONTHS. Excited but anxious. I’ve read other bloggers’ accounts of their past experiences at the BlogHer concerences, and it seems like it could be a fine combination of awkward, awful, and awesome. I’m excited about the people I’m rooming with. I’m excited to be volunteering. I’m excited for the parties. I’m excited to meet my online friends in person, and reconnect with others I’ve previously met. But I’m worried…I feel like a bit of a phony. A self-proclaimed “blogger” who hasn’t even updated her site in over a month.

It’s been a crazy summer. Between Rosie’s rehearsals and performances in “The Music Man,” Taylor’s commute, and my school, I’ve managed to keep myself very busy. I am frustrated that school is taking so long, and was hoping to be working by now. I was really hoping to be off to NYC with a little more cash in my pocket. I’ve seriously considered not going. It’s hard to go to a big, expensive, unfamiliar place like New York without means to recover from a possible travel disaster. Some plans have already fallen through, partially due to my anxiety-ridden procrastination. As I write this, I’m still scrambling for a place to stay Wednesday night. I could plan on taking the Wednesday night red-eye from SLC…but if I miss the flight I’m hosed. Maybe I’ll try staying with another friend in an east coast city, then hop over to NYC Thursday morning. Who knows?

It’s times like these that I feel like a Phony McPhonerton. What happened to the confident, spontaneous, and blogging Nicole I usually am?

Sometimes it’s really hard to be married to a man who spends more time away from you than with you.

Every month around the 22nd, he gets his schedule for the next month. It’s usually a celebration of a good amount of time off, or cursing the work rules that make commuting a near impossibility.

When he’s on his way home, I get so excited. I track his flight progress online. I try to straighten up the house. I shave my legs. I attack him with a gigantic hug and kiss when he walks in the door.

But his time at home is never long enough, usually 2-3 days before he gets ready to leave again. He has his pre-trip routine. He showers, packs, and does the mental checklist: shoes, pants, pilot shirt, underwear, badge, passport, wallet, keys, iPhone charger, Zune, and snacks. He checks flight loads, and details of his upcoming work trip. He gives me a goodbye kiss that never seems long enough. The door closes, and our home feels like just a house again.

It’s usually not too long before I send him a text saying “Miss you already.” I walk into the bathroom, and the counter is missing his toiletry bag. I can still smell the faint scent of his deodorant that drives me wild. I go around the house and find all the cups that he drank out of. I fold the rest of the laundry from the load he threw in a few hours before leaving.  I mentally plan out the things I need to accomplish before he returns home next. I hug my daughter tightly, and we give each other the usual bittersweet crooked smile.  She says, “I miss daddy.” We talk about how long it will be until he comes home again. Sometimes we let each other fall apart a little bit. And then we put ourselves back together and get back to ‘normal life.’

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a husband who worked regular business hours, and could plan on legal holidays off. The 4th of July was a special day while we were dating, and I’m feeling particularly melancholy about him being gone on a trip over the holiday weekend. But I take comfort in the fact that he has a nice stretch of days off next week, and we’re tentatively planning to do something fun alone together.

I love him so much. I miss him so much.

It’s been almost one month since my last blog post, and it’s the one year anniversary of me moving back to Utah.

Both seem hard for me to believe.

Dates and anniversaries are significant to me. I have a strangely accurate recollection of dates from the past. 3/15/1995 brings a chill to my spine. 7/10/2004 was a very happy day. Flag Day always reminds me of the birthday of a boy I had a crush on in elementary school. Realizing this afternoon that I arrived in Utah last June 27th felt prosaic. Despite my exhaustion from a whirlwind of activities over the last week or so, I felt that blogging tonight was important.

This year has felt like an out-of-body experience in many ways. Cross-country relocation, serious injuries and health problems, unemployment, weight gain, financial difficulties, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I’ve actually been doing a lot of writing…working through some anger, pain, frustration, and insecurities. It’s been incredibly therapeutic….and I’m realizing how helpful it can be. Writing helps me actualize reality. And for a long time, my only writing happened publicly on my blog. I hid and ignored many deep feelings I was experiencing…and lately I’m feeling the weigh of many things I’ve repressed or refused to acknowledge that were in existence.

So over this month, I’ve been writing…but I’m not sure I’m ready to share most of it here. Yet.

This weekend I attended the EVO Conference in Park City, UT. I took the “scenic” drive up through Provo Canyon and Heber to Park City, instead of the usual way I take through Parley’s Canyon. I know that I’ve taken that road before…but I don’t think I’ve ever realized how beautiful it was. As I visited with out-of-state guests of the conference, so many remarked how beautiful Utah is. I have lived in Utah a total of 12 years, and I think I’ve just gotten used to the way it looks. Arriving in Utah last June, in the circumstances I was experiencing, made Utah seem like a punishment. I felt “Banished to Spanish” (Fork). But over the weekend, I’ve contemplated many elements of the beauty that surrounds me…and I feel like I’ve been taking so many things in my life for granted.

I am a daughter of God. I have a devoted husband who loves me and works hard to support the family. I have a daughter who brings me so much joy and love. I have a plethora of family members and friends who are loyal and caring, would drop everything to help me out when needed. I have a roof over my head, a car that works, access to good healthcare, the Gospel,  and air conditioning! My life is abounding in blessings…yet I feel dark, twisty and sad feelings every day.

Depression really stinks…I can acknowledge the good things in life and be surrounded by amazing people, yet still feel lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, scared, and unloved. I think the reason that I feel unloved…is because I don’t love myself much these days. I look in the mirror and see an image that only slightly resembles the mental image I default to in my head. I don’t like the way I physically feel. I don’t like the scarce selection of clothing that I settle for because the cute styles aren’t made in my size. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to proactively set goals and reach for the stars. I’ve already started to make some changes in my life over the last few weeks, and I’m trying to bask in the happiness of the little successes.

I’m working on me, inside and out.

Right now I’m working on one of those blog posts that is dripping with so much pain and emotion that I can only write a little bit every day. A real peek into my soul. It’s harder than I thought. Be patient.

In the mean time, these song lyrics have been repeating in my mind.

This is how it works
You’re young until you’re not
You love until you don’t
You try until you can’t
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

“On The Radio” by Regina Spektor

Could anything be more delightful than spending a beautiful spring evening with my lovely daughter Rosie?

Can’t think of anything at the moment.

I’ve been away from full-time employment for nearly a year now. A big jumble of health and economic factors have made it somewhat difficult to become a working woman again. I haven’t found the perfect job, and I haven’t really been able to make the mediocre ones happen either. My unemployment has done pretty terrible things to my family budget and credit score. I miss the self-esteem boost from a job well done, from my interactions with coworkers, and just GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE. I’ve been working on my medical coding certification, and know my good job is just around the corner. But what do I do in the meantime?

Last week, a friend on Twitter gave me a lead on a paid summer internship with a local company. The work isn’t in my field, but it would bring in some money, get me out of the house, and I’d get the experience of working with a web-based company. I quickly exchanged a few emails, and had an interview set up within a few hours. The interview went well. I knew I didn’t want to do it full-time, but they were happy to work with the very specific hours I requested.

Over the week since my interview, I’ve talked myself into, and out of, taking the position if offered to me. I made the PRO/CON list, I started putting out feelers for childcare, I pulled some of my more professional clothes out of a box. This morning I got the offer, and I’m about 90% sure I’m going to take it. Part of me is afraid that I’ll use it as an excuse to slack on my studies. It’ll mean figuring out childcare for the times that my husband is away…and missing out on the limited time when my husband is in town. It will force me to be a lot more disciplined with my time (which I admittedly need.) But it will also mean that I have a little more free money. I can pick away at some debt, make purchases without monumental guilt, and take some of the financial burden off my husband. But even he is hesitant of me accepting the position. I feel conflicted.

I obviously need to pray about it…but what would you do?

After years of effort, three schools, several majors, student loans, and the blasted algebra class that would never end….Taylor did it! He graduated from Utah Valley University’s Global Aviation Program. He achieved the much-desired Bachelor of Science degree, Aviation Professional Pilot.

It was a little strange to be on UVU’s campus, as Taylor’s program was entirely online (or in the air, if you will). It was a strange feeling. I’m grateful that Taylor was able to obtain this degree so flexibly…completing coursework in Utah, California, Florida, Tennessee, Michigan, and Georgia. Despite hundreds of drivebys of the UVU campus, we didn’t know where anything besides the McKay Events Center.  The day before graduation we drove around to look for the Alumni Center where caps and gowns were being distributed…and had to ask a few people where to go.

I’m so proud of Taylor’s accomplishments and drive to complete his degree. He is one of the lucky ones of his fellow aviation graduates to be lucky enough to be working the “dream job” (if you can call being a regional FO a dream). He’s had aviation in his blood, wanted to be a jet pilot since he was 3 years old, and he made it happen.

I love meeting new people. It’s one of the things that motivates, inspires, and delights me. Believe it or not, I’ve been meeting people off the internet since 1997! I met my husband online! I’ve met friends from other countries! I’ve met some really, really amazing “real” people through my “virtual” life. So when an opportunity comes around to meet my friends of the interwebs, you better believe I want to be a part of it. After the airport fiasco, I was so worked up about the drama I’d just experienced. But I sucked it up, and went over to the evening party. I was greeted with a flood of hugs and introductions. I arrived just as things were wrapping up, so Adrian and I went back  to our rooms and spent a few hours chatting.

In the morning, Adrian and I drove around looking for a quick breakfast spot and grocery store in Scottsdale. Do you know how difficult this is? After 30 minutes of driving, we had breakfast at Wendy’s and grabbed my forgotten items (namely DEODORANT!) We rushed back to Xona just in time for the first presentation. There were so many wonderful and informative classes…writing, staying authentic, branding, PR, vlogging. But more than anything that I learned at Bloggy Boot Camp…it was the connections I made and the friendships I strengthened.

These two lovely ladies are Lauren (aka @supermomcentral) and Lynsey (aka @lynseyleah) I’ve known these sweet girls since high school, and have admired both for many years. They’ve achieved great things, and it was awesome to reconnect and make new memories.

This is Tiffany, aka @SITSgirls. She is one of brains and beauties behind Bloggy Boot Camp and SITS…an incredible blogging support community. I’d heard so many lovely things about Tiffany and was happy to jump into a pool with her (more about that later)

Stephanie, aka @sahans, is one of the fabulous local Utah ladies who I’ve connected with over the past few months. One thing I love about Steph is how accepting she is, and how she makes wherever she goes more fun. She doesn’t judge me for taking more than one Chick-Fil-a mint. Plus, I love a girl who will take uninhibited silly pictures with me.

Adrian, aka @twitadrian, and I roomed together for the conference. We’ve seen each other around SLC a few times, but I was so happy to get some quality time with this fine woman. She is sweet, intelligent, and makes everyone feel special.  I was lucky to be her roomie (plus it was fun to shop and eat and sit around the airport together)

Holly, aka @magnoliasNsun, was one of the first people to run up and introduce herself at the Friday night cocktail party. She was so excited to meet me, and made me feel so special. We forged a great bond, spent luxurious time together at the hot tub, and are already scheming a trip to spend time together again.

Julie, aka @angryjulie, was the official photographer for Bloggy Boot Camp. She humored me for all the pics I wanted to pose for, and we sat with each other at White Chocolate Grill for dinner. Apparently, she has a big following in Utah…

Laurie, aka @tipjunkie, was one of the people I was most excited to meet at Bloggy Boot Camp. Her successful site www.tipjunkie.com has been one I’ve followed for a long time, and it was great to socialize with the JUNKIE!

Jyl (aka @jylmomIF) and Loralee (aka @looneytunes) are two of my blogging/social media idols. They both gave presentations at during the conference, and I feel so lucky to have had time to chill with these RAD chicas!

After dinner, there was a a poolside cocktail party hosted by Huggies and Help A Mother Out.

I spent the evening in the hot tub with my cherry cola, chatting with several of the sweet ladies I’d met over the conference. Once I got out of the hot tub, Jyl was rallying up support for a fully-clothed pool jump.

*courtesy of Angry Julie

So many great things learned, so many friendships made, so many inside jokes, and so much motivation. That was Bloggy Boot Camp for me. Now if only I could go to the other ones in Austin, San Fran, and Philly…

Why Me?

This weekend was awesome. But it almost wasn’t.

Back on my 30th birthday, Taylor’s gift to me was a verbal promise for a one-day ticket to the Coachella Music Festival. But the ticketing guidelines changed this year, and only $270 full weekend passes were available. When my Coachella plans fell through, he told me to find something else I was passionate about attending, and to use the money for that ticket. I promptly signed up for Bloggy Boot Camp in Phoenix.

The thing is…a $99 registration fee doesn’t include all the other stuff (meals, transportation, etc) Detail after detail miraculously fell into place over the next 2 months, and I was ready for an exciting weekend at a Scottsdale resort. Miracle of miracles, I got on the standby flight from SLC to PHX at the last second (after arriving at the airport and breezing through security with 27 minutes till departure).

When I arrived at the gate at PHX, I pulled my iPhone out of my pocket to reply to a few tweets, and my drivers license was stuck to the phone. I’m quite diligent about returning my ID to my wallet after security…since everything seems to get jumbled up in my purse and pockets when I travel. But I thought, “I’m gonna be renting my car in a few minutes, I’ll just leave it my my pocket.” After a ridiculous criss-crossing of Terminal 3 (because the “Ground Transportation” signs don’t mean “Car Rental Shuttle”), I hopped on the bus. Immediately, the bus driver announced that Vice President Joe Biden’s private plane was about to land, and all ground and air traffic was halted. I was frustrated, but what can you do? 30 minutes later, I arrived at the PHX Airport Car Rental Center (several miles from the terminal). I flew off the bus, ran to the rental counter, pulled out my wallet, and my drivers license wasn’t in there. I panicked for a half-second before realizing that I’d left my license in my pocket. I pulled out a wad of boarding passes, receipts, and candy wrappers….but no license.

I talked to the rental car agent. I had my hole-punched Georgia drivers license on me, and explained that I’d lost my Utah license. He said ‘We aren’t authorized to rent without a valid license, but I can recommend some off-airport locations that will let you rent without ID for an additional fee”. (WTF?) I hurredly ran through the rental car building…no licenses on the floor. I ran toward the shuttle I’d just been on….no license. I even checked shuttles I didn’t ride on (I know that there’d be no chance of another shuttle, but I FELT like it would help) Each minute that passed, I felt more upset and neurotic. Without a license I couldn’t rent a car, nor could I pass through security for my return flight. I was praying for spontaneous Xanax to appear in my hand.

I took the shuttle back to the terminal. I walked up and down all the areas that security would permit me. I talked to ticket counter agents, TSA agents, custodians, tourists, anyone that might have had their eyes on the floor to notice my smiling face on a piece of rectangular plastic. My phone was almost dead, so I plopped down on the ground at an outlet next to the baggage carousel. I plugged in my phone and began to sob a jagged prayer in a heap on the floor.

Within two minutes, an airport employee walked up to me and asked, “Are you Nicole?” I knew this kind soul was a direct answer to a prayer I’d just uttered. I stumbled up on my feet, gave her a gigantic bear hug, and blubbered out the best words of appreciation I could mutter. A passenger had seen the license on the ground, but the airport Lost and Found had already closed for the day. The one who found it turned it in to this girl who worked for airport catering. She was almost off shift, and wandered around for an hour looking for me. Even after she’d clocked out of her shift…she knew if she kept looking for me, I’d be there.

After composing myself, I took the shuttle back to the rental car center to pick up my car. Because I was paying with a debit card, they had to take out a $250 deposit  (which I was anticipating)…but then they said I had to have proof on paper of my return flight. Back I went to the terminal to have a Delta agent list me for the Sunday return flight, and once again to the rental car center. Three hours after my flight landed, I was in my rental car headed for Scottsdale. I had barely eaten anything during the day, and was ravenous after 6 hours since my last meal. I stopped at a Chick-Fil-A, got my dinner, and my BELOVED PEACH MILKSHAKE.

20 minutes later, I checked into my room, flopped on my bed, and stared at the ceiling for a bit. I knew a bunch of ladies were eating at the restaurant on site, and I didn’t want to miss out. Luckily, I LOOKED better than I FELT at that point…so I joined the girls for some mixing and mingling. As soon as I saw my roomie Adrian, I burst into spontaneous tears again. But within moments, I was showered with hugs and love and everything started to feel right. I knew I was going to have a blast at Bloggy Boot Camp.

And soon I’ll tell you all about it.

Forgive me for my recent lack of posting…I’ve been in mourning.

My absolute favorite radio station of all time, 101.9 The End, disappeared off the Salt Lake area airwaves last Wednesday. I had less than an hour of notice before the last songs of Utah’s Rock Alternative played.

I’m a music junkie. I’m a fan of terrestrial radio. I spend ridiculous amounts of time in my car. Good music is a MUST when I drive. Despite my loaded 120 GB iPod, I like me a little sassy bit of radio personality peppered in. I’ve found stations in other states and cities that I’m loyal to (particularly 93.9 The River in Detroit), and thankfully most of them broadcast online. But it was like the air was stolen out of my lungs to have MY STATION lose its DJs and go jockless. And does America need another crappy Gen X radio station? I think not.

O dear Grant Ruby, and Chunga, and all the others at The End who made the world a happier musical place, please accept my devoted love to you. I wish you much success to you in the future. You’ve got a fan for life.

Now excuse me while I begrudgingly reset the preset stations on my car stereo.