You are here: Home / Archives for Life

June Update

Posted by on June 30, 2012 5 Comments

Last weekend I went to a blogging conference, passed out business cards, and hung my head in shame that I had not updated my blog in SIX WEEKS (what kind of blogger am I??) So now I am writing to rectify this.

In my defense, I have posted at Beauty and the Bypass a few times since posting on Cute Culture Chick. And I’ve had a heckuva month and a half. Here’s the run down.

New Job: I started a new job as a social media manager. I get to blog, curate content and strategy, and keep things updated on several social channels, such as Pinterest, Facebook, and Twitter. After being online all day at work, I rarely feel like hopping on my laptop to spend more time doing it for myself.

We Moved: At the beginning of June, we moved out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into my parents’ basement in Lehi (t’s a great opportunity for us to tackle our debt, you know?) After a week and a half of mad packing, we finally had everything moved. The day after we moved in, there was a sewage backup in the bathroom next to our bedroom. The flooding wasn’t terribly expansive, and most of our belongings were spared, but it still sucked. We had to stay in a hotel for 4 days while the crews ripped out carpet, disinfected things, and dried out all the excess moisture. Two weeks later, we still haven’t unpacked because we’re waiting for the rooms to be recarpeted. We’ll have to repack and move everything out for the carpet guys to do their thing. Almost a month of living out of boxes, and I’m ready to unpack and settle.

Rosie’s Play: Rosie was in Murray Arts Council’s production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. She had rehearsals and performances six nights a week this month, some nights going till 11:00 pm. It’s fun to see how she’s picked up acting and performing like I used to do. But after moving to Lehi, all that chauffeuring took up my life.

Type A Parent Conference: The last weekend of June, I was in Charlotte, NC for the Type A Parent Conference. I had so much fun, and so much to say that I plan to do another post about it. The standby travel was tough though – I ended up flying to NC by way of Rapid City, SD and Minneapolis, and home though Memphis and Vegas.

Keane Concert: Keane is one of my very favorite bands, and I saw them in concert for the 5th time this week. They performed at the Gallivan Center in Salt Lake City, and it was the first time I saw them play outdoors. My friend Esther recently had back surgery, but refused to miss the concert. She came in a wheelchair and I enjoyed the show from the ADA-accessible seats. If you’re a fan of Keane, and haven’t seen them live, I strongly suggest you make that happen.

So, that’s been my June. What have you been up to?

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With:

Beauty and the Bypass

Posted by on January 30, 2012 5 Comments

beauty and the bypass

I’m excited to announce two things:

I’ve been approved for weight loss surgery, and will be undergoing laparoscopic roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery on February 7th.

I’ve decided to share my weight loss journey publicly, and have launched a dedicated blog to document the process. It is called “Beauty and the Bypass.”

If you’re curious to know why I’ve decided to have gastric bypass surgery, or what the surgery approval process is like, I’ve already blogged about those topics. The blog will include video blog posts, food diaries, and a detailed account of what my surgery and recover process is like. If you’d like to get updates about the process, you can like my Beauty and the Bypass Facebook page,  or you can subscribe to the Beauty and the Bypass feed on Feedburner.

If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you know that I’ve had a long time struggle with chronic health conditions, and I have a difficult time losing weight. If I have breathing problems, I go on steroids and gain more weight. It’s taken a few years to know that surgery is the right move for me, and it took over a year to get my insurance to authorize it. I’m excited for my “new life” to start, a life where I am not perpetually bound by hunger and food addiction. I know it will be a difficult process, but I’m ready for it. And I hope that you will join along with me.

Filed Under: Health | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,

One Month, One Year

Posted by on June 27, 2010 8 Comments

It’s been almost one month since my last blog post, and it’s the one year anniversary of me moving back to Utah.

Both seem hard for me to believe.

Dates and anniversaries are significant to me. I have a strangely accurate recollection of dates from the past. 3/15/1995 brings a chill to my spine. 7/10/2004 was a very happy day. Flag Day always reminds me of the birthday of a boy I had a crush on in elementary school. Realizing this afternoon that I arrived in Utah last June 27th felt prosaic. Despite my exhaustion from a whirlwind of activities over the last week or so, I felt that blogging tonight was important.

This year has felt like an out-of-body experience in many ways. Cross-country relocation, serious injuries and health problems, unemployment, weight gain, financial difficulties, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I’ve actually been doing a lot of writing…working through some anger, pain, frustration, and insecurities. It’s been incredibly therapeutic….and I’m realizing how helpful it can be. Writing helps me actualize reality. And for a long time, my only writing happened publicly on my blog. I hid and ignored many deep feelings I was experiencing…and lately I’m feeling the weigh of many things I’ve repressed or refused to acknowledge that were in existence.

So over this month, I’ve been writing…but I’m not sure I’m ready to share most of it here. Yet.

This weekend I attended the EVO Conference in Park City, UT. I took the “scenic” drive up through Provo Canyon and Heber to Park City, instead of the usual way I take through Parley’s Canyon. I know that I’ve taken that road before…but I don’t think I’ve ever realized how beautiful it was. As I visited with out-of-state guests of the conference, so many remarked how beautiful Utah is. I have lived in Utah a total of 12 years, and I think I’ve just gotten used to the way it looks. Arriving in Utah last June, in the circumstances I was experiencing, made Utah seem like a punishment. I felt “Banished to Spanish” (Fork). But over the weekend, I’ve contemplated many elements of the beauty that surrounds me…and I feel like I’ve been taking so many things in my life for granted.

I am a daughter of God. I have a devoted husband who loves me and works hard to support the family. I have a daughter who brings me so much joy and love. I have a plethora of family members and friends who are loyal and caring, would drop everything to help me out when needed. I have a roof over my head, a car that works, access to good healthcare, the Gospel,  and air conditioning! My life is abounding in blessings…yet I feel dark, twisty and sad feelings every day.

Depression really stinks…I can acknowledge the good things in life and be surrounded by amazing people, yet still feel lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, scared, and unloved. I think the reason that I feel unloved…is because I don’t love myself much these days. I look in the mirror and see an image that only slightly resembles the mental image I default to in my head. I don’t like the way I physically feel. I don’t like the scarce selection of clothing that I settle for because the cute styles aren’t made in my size. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to proactively set goals and reach for the stars. I’ve already started to make some changes in my life over the last few weeks, and I’m trying to bask in the happiness of the little successes.

I’m working on me, inside and out.

Filed Under: Life | Tagged: Tagged With: ,

Doing my Best

Posted by on March 18, 2010 18 Comments

The last few months have really put me through the wringer, emotionally and physically. It has been incredibly difficult to go from an able-bodied, overzealous DO-er, to someone who has to accept help from others, and be satisfied with myself when I accomplish less than my usual best.

My mother has dealt with chronic pain for nearly 17 years, over half of my life. When she wasn’t able to do all that she needed to, I stepped in. I spent most of my teenage years being a nurturer, a teacher, a chauffeur, a cook, and serving my family whenever necessary. It was frustrating and overwhelming at times, but I was happy that I was able to serve. Although I never really understood my mother’s physical pain, I trusted that she was doing the best she could. I knew I had the ability to help…and I did. And still do.

Since I injured my back in December, my life has been like a parallel universe. I have little endurance and mobility. I am dependent on several medications to function AT ALL. I keep ice packs, heating pads, and “granny pillows” at hand. I go to physical therapy 3 times a week. The entire office staff at my doctor’s office know me by name. I’m on the phone sorting out bills with my insurance, hospitals, urgent care clinics, imaging centers, and medical supply companies nearly every day. I deal with symptoms that sometimes cripple my mobility, such as limb numbness from hip to toe, for hours at a time. I got my first bedsore this week. Sometimes I lose bladder/bowel function. Sometimes the cerebrospinal fluid pressure changes from the cysts in my back cause mindblowing headaches. Some days, I barely make it out of bed at all.

And this life does not suit me. At all.

I pray daily for the patience to endure my pain. I pray for the patience of my friends and family members, who are affected by my illnesses. I pray for the understanding of others, that although they may not know the particulars…they don’t judge me harshly for the things I’m not able to do. I pray that my husband doesn’t give up on me, and understands that I’m truly doing my best.

Did you hear that, world? I’M DOING MY BEST.

Please don’t give up on me. Please be patient with me. Please do not judge me for the things you don’t understand. And I’ll do the same for you.

Filed Under: Health, Life, Me | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,

Depressed Bloggers Anonymous

Posted by on March 8, 2010 12 Comments

Over the last few weeks, I have been catching up on my Google Reader. As I’ve skimmed and soaked in 1000+ blog posts over the last 3 months, I’ve found a common theme: depression. I read posts on Mormon Women Project, Blog Segullah, Mormon Mommy Blogs, FMH,  Melancholy Smile, and other sites I love. I felt like these authors were speaking my language. Depression is my disease.

According to the DSM-IV, the following symptoms may occur with depression:

  • Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
  • Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
  • Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5 of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
  • Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
  • Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
  • Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
  • Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
  • Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
  • Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness, sadness, inadequacy, and poor self image. I had an extremely hard time making friends as a child, preferring to spend time alone rather than try to fit in. In 1992, the song “Creep” by Radiohead was released. I felt the lyrics so passionately:

I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I’m not around
You’re so very* special
I wish I was special
But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here

I have struggled with diagnosed clinical depression since I was 16.  I have always been an emotional and empathetic person. I am a moral perfectionist, always wanting to the right thing and to singlehandedly solve the world’s problems. I feel others’ pain and sadness. Even when my circumstances aren’t dire, I tend to feel so deeply of others’ struggles that I felt drained of my happiness. Sometimes my depressive episodes are are more cataclysmic than others, but usually I am able to function.

My first depressive episode spawned from qualifying for the state drama meet my sophomore year of HS, but having my drama teacher tell me that I couldn’t go. The principal wanted to limit attendees to one bus. It made me cry uncontrollably to the point I had to go home from school. And then I cried for the better part of a month, feeling so out of control. I met with my doctor, who said that my emotional state was more than an “episodic depression,” it was clinical depression.

Then throw in the times that I was depressed while pregnant, depressed post-partum, depressed when my ex-husband abused me for 4 years, depressed after my divorce, etc. Last summer the depression was so bad that I lost my job because I couldn’t function at work. I spent two months in bed, trying to overcome the dark void that I perceived my life to be. Then I got a new counselor, got on the right meds, made small attainable goals, and pulled myself out slowly. I still struggle everyday, but I’ve learned some wonderful coping mechanisms for getting by on a day-to-day basis.

Other than pills and counseling, my greatest relief comes from spending time with friends and loved ones. When I’m alone, I get down on myself. When I’m with others, I feel like I’ve got the whole world to give away to others. I treat myself to “happy-cations” where I plan out activities for myself where bad thoughts are not allowed. Whether it be time with a BFF,  snuggling up with a good book in a quiet house, or treating myself to a cupcake with a neighbor, my “happy-cations”  make such a big difference.

I’m grateful that others are willing to put out their depression struggles and stories in their blogs. It seems like blogging about depression is like a 12-step meeting…even through depression is not an addictive choice. Would anyone like to join my chapter of Depressed Bloggers Anonymous?

Filed Under: Health, Life | Tagged: Tagged With: , ,

The First ER visit of my 30s

Posted by on February 9, 2010 7 Comments

First off, I had an awesome birthday. And an awesome time Saturday at the #SLCTweetup. Sunday was a tough day.

The morning started out in a wheezing coughing fit. I went to urgent care as soon as they opened. After a quick exam, a listen to my lungs, chest x-ray, and review of my health history, the doctor diagnosed me with “bronchitis with reactive airway inflammation.” He gave me some narcotic cough syrup for the cough, and Advair to restart my maintenance asthma regimen. I spent the day in bed, coughing and wheezing. It felt like my chest was on fire.In the early evening, Taylor and I were laying down and talking. To ease my shortness of breath, I took another puff of Albuterol, which set me off in a coughing fit. After coughing so hard that I couldn’t control bodily functions, my breathing was sporadic enough that Taylor hauled me off to the ER. 15 minutes later, I stumbled into the Mountain View Hospital ER waiting room, with feet numb from lack of oxygen. The ER staff pulled themselves from the Super Bowl, plopped me into a wheelchair, bypassed triage, and took me to bed. They helped me peel off my clothes, dressed me in a gown, and started my examination. My pulse-ox was at 91 and I had a fever of 102.5*. Within 45 minutes, chest x-rays and nasal cultures were done, breathing treatments and steroids administered, and I was finally feeling some relief. They confirmed that my illness was not caused by influenza or H1N1, and concurred with the earlier diagnosis of bronchitis. They gave me a prescription for Z-pak, and told me to get lots of rest. I was in and out in 2 hours. That’s the way an ER visit should be.

Sounds dramatic? To be honest, I’m used to all the lung drama. I’ve mentioned my “organ recital” of medical history in a previous post. I’ve talked about how I got pneumonia after an accidental spray paint inhalation. I’ve talked about how I was “poisoned” at work from inhaling an industrial strength aerosol chemical. If something you can breathe in exists that can make you sick, I’m susceptible to it. This nasty Utah inversion air? Makes me sick. When I say I’m dealing with “SOB,” I mean shortness of breath.
I’ve had asthma since I was 11. I have sleep apnea. I’ve seen pulmonologists in 4 states. I have tried most of the inhalers on the following chart:
But as I went through my old posts, I realized that I never blogged about my biggest lung condition of all, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. ARDS is a life-threatening lung condition that prevents enough oxygen from getting into the blood, typically resulting from trauma or sepsis. I survived it after three weeks on a ventilator. Would anyone like to hear my story?

Filed Under: Health | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , ,

20 Things I Didn’t Expect This Decade

Posted by on December 31, 2009 3 Comments


1. I didn’t expect to find out I was pregnant at 19 (at least I was married!)
2. I didn’t expect to have complications with Rosie’s delivery, which left me on life support for 3 weeks.
3. I didn’t expect to get divorced
4. I didn’t expect my ex-husband to go to prison
5. I didn’t expect to meet my (2nd) husband on the internet. Thanks LDSmingle.com !
6. I didn’t expect to attend 4 different college and STILL not be done with my bachelor degree
7. I didn’t expect to own so many cars
8. I didn’t expect to “go under the knife,” but I’m glad I did
9. I didn’t expect to live in 4 different states (Utah, California, Michigan, Georgia)
10. I didn’t expect to develop sleep apnea or PCOS
11. I didn’t expect to go into so much student loan debt
12. I didn’t expect to develop a love affair with all things BBQ
13. I didn’t expect to be in a hurricane
14. I didn’t expect to fly on an airplane so much
15. I didn’t expect my dad‘s leg to be amputated after a horrible car crash
16. I didn’t expect to own so many tech devices
17. I didn’t expect so many gray hairs so young
18. I didn’t expect 80′s Pop Culture to come back with such a vengeance
19. I didn’t expect to go to so many concerts
20. I didn’t expect to become a Diet Coke-aholic

P.S. What exactly has this decade been dubbed? The “Noughties?” The “Aughts?” The “Tenties?” The “Milennial Decade?”

Filed Under: Life, Me | Tagged: Tagged With: ,

New Career Direction

Posted by on October 29, 2009 4 Comments


So. I’ve been unemployed for 4 months now. I search job postings diligently, and there’s just not a lot that I’m interested in applying for ($8/hr Kmart part-time cashier, anyone?) I’ve got mad skillz…the whole gamut of medical administrative experience (billing, insurance, transcription, scheduling, front and back office, database management, composing correspondence, terminology, medical-legal procedures, credentialing, executive meeting management, etc) I’ve enjoyed the last 8 years that I’ve worked in the medical field, and don’t plan to stray too far from it. As I’ve struggled in this journey for work, I’ve been REALLY enjoying the time I’ve been able to spend at home. It’s gotten me more interested in stay-at-home career opportunities. I’ve had a nagging desire for about 6 years to get certified as a medical coder. I have some coding experience, but not enough to get a job. Through the encouragement of some old coworkers who code, I’ve decided to go for it. Yesterday I signed up for the Inpatient/Outpatient Coding and Medical Billing course. If I work at it full time, it should take about 4 months. I know I want to finish my bachelor degree, but I’ve strongly felt that now is not the time for that. It’s time to get a career skill that is more professional and portable….and one that will get me earning money faster than a bachelor would. So wish me luck, in a few months I’ll have the CPC credentials after my name.

Filed Under: Life | Tagged: Tagged With: , ,

Catching Up

Posted by on September 4, 2009 4 Comments

Is it September already?!?

Thanks to all who wished me well in my recovery of pneumonia. I’m doing much better, and I’m almost back to normal. Just don’t mind me when I break out into spontaneous coughing fits.

I took two trips to California in August. I attended my twin nieces’ first birthday party, spent some time on the beach in Ventura County, reconnected with friends, relaxed, spent time with family, and ate some really great food. No trip to California is complete without visiting some of my favorites…El Torito, Jack in the Box, La Tolteca, BJ’s Pizzeria, Legends Diner, and smoothies from Juice it Up.

Taylor is FINALLY done with school. He successfully completed the algebra course that’s kept him from his diploma for much too long. He’s sent for his transcripts and applied for graduation from Utah Valley University’s Global Aviation program. He won’t be able to walk for commencement until spring, but he’s very relieved to say he’s done with school before his 30th birthday (which is in 3 weeks). To celebrate, he was able to bust open his new XBOX 360. We purchased it months ago on a killer sale, and he faithfully kept the box sealed until he passed his final. Next week he’s going on a hiking trip to Yosemite with his cousins, a desire he’s had for many years. And did I mention that he turns 30 this month?

Rosie started 3rd grade two weeks ago. She likes her new school and rides her bike almost every day. She turns 9 next week and is obsessed with her birthday. I don’t think we’ll do much of a party for her this year, but that hasn’t kept her from obsessing about it for the last 8 months.

Overall, I’m doing better than I have for the past few months. I’ve struggled through a “major depressive episode” that has been an experience unlike I’ve ever had. I’m working with a great counselor and getting regulated on some meds. I’m still living life day to day, but I’m feeling more hope. I’m back into the job search, but it’s been frustrating to see the lack of opportunities and low pay scale(especially in Utah County) I’m pretty sure I want to stick with administrative positions in healthcare…but I wouldn’t mind a change either. I miss the security of earning a regular paycheck and helping provide for the family.

As odd as this may sound…I’ve been missing Michigan. I was unhappy for much of the time we lived there, but recently I’ve been thinking about the friends I made there and how beautiful it was last fall. There’s been rumors about displacements within Taylor’s company which might move him back to Detroit, or possibly Memphis. It would be a good thing because he’s flown so few hours on reserve this year in Atlanta. If he’s ever going to upgrade to captain…he needs to be flying a more intense schedule. We’re sad that we’re living apart, but there’s a sense of stability I’m feeling in Spanish Fork that makes me wonder if we’re supposed to stick around here for a while. It breaks my heart that Rosie’s already on her 4th school in 3rd grade. Unfortunately, that means that Taylor and I will have to live apart for an undetermined amount of time. It’s not preferable, but we’re making it work.

Recent guilty pleasures: chocolate-covered cinnamon bears, Dooce, Hulu, melon Hi-Chew, Diet Dr. Pepper, and Connie and Carla. Oh, and I made the BEST batch of my banana bread ever this week. I want more…mmmmm!!

Filed Under: Life | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,

Deja Vu

Posted by on June 22, 2009 12 Comments

The majority of the last few days have spent packing like a maniac. Yes, you heard that right packing. I’m moving again. And I was just there six short months ago, preparing to move from Michigan to Georgia. It’s like deja vu…the same stress, the same mad box collecting, the same sorting, the same stuff..but this time it’s without all the same excitement. A variety of circumstances have occurred over the past few months – healthwise, employmentwise, moneywise, etc – necessitating a new living arrangement. All our stuff is going into storage here, and we head out on the road with a car full of things this week.

Rosie and I are moving out to Utah for an undetermined amount of time. We have offers for a free place to stay, and will be living in a home in Spanish Fork. We’ll also be spending a lot of time at my parents’ house in Lehi. I’ll be using this time to get my health back in check, spending time with family and friends, and figuring out the next step. I’ll then be looking for work, both in Utah and Georgia. Hopefully an Atlanta job will pan out, and our family can be back together soon. Taylor will be moving into a crashpad with some other pilots, and he’ll fly out to Utah whenever he can. We’re so sad that our family will have to live apart for a time, but we’ve got to do it.

Thank you for all of your kind comments over the past few weeks. Your concern and prayers mean so much to me. I’ve been feeling down for quite a while, and I tend to withdraw when I’m struggling. I hope that things will be looking up for our family soon. And in the meantime, I have all my favorite things about Utah to look forward to.

Filed Under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,
«Older Posts
102155066952444013373