One Month, One Year

It’s been almost one month since my last blog post, and it’s the one year anniversary of me moving back to Utah.

Both seem hard for me to believe.

Dates and anniversaries are significant to me. I have a strangely accurate recollection of dates from the past. 3/15/1995 brings a chill to my spine. 7/10/2004 was a very happy day. Flag Day always reminds me of the birthday of a boy I had a crush on in elementary school. Realizing this afternoon that I arrived in Utah last June 27th felt prosaic. Despite my exhaustion from a whirlwind of activities over the last week or so, I felt that blogging tonight was important.

This year has felt like an out-of-body experience in many ways. Cross-country relocation, serious injuries and health problems, unemployment, weight gain, financial difficulties, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I’ve actually been doing a lot of writing…working through some anger, pain, frustration, and insecurities. It’s been incredibly therapeutic….and I’m realizing how helpful it can be. Writing helps me actualize reality. And for a long time, my only writing happened publicly on my blog. I hid and ignored many deep feelings I was experiencing…and lately I’m feeling the weigh of many things I’ve repressed or refused to acknowledge that were in existence.

So over this month, I’ve been writing…but I’m not sure I’m ready to share most of it here. Yet.

This weekend I attended the EVO Conference in Park City, UT. I took the “scenic” drive up through Provo Canyon and Heber to Park City, instead of the usual way I take through Parley’s Canyon. I know that I’ve taken that road before…but I don’t think I’ve ever realized how beautiful it was. As I visited with out-of-state guests of the conference, so many remarked how beautiful Utah is. I have lived in Utah a total of 12 years, and I think I’ve just gotten used to the way it looks. Arriving in Utah last June, in the circumstances I was experiencing, made Utah seem like a punishment. I felt “Banished to Spanish” (Fork). But over the weekend, I’ve contemplated many elements of the beauty that surrounds me…and I feel like I’ve been taking so many things in my life for granted.

I am a daughter of God. I have a devoted husband who loves me and works hard to support the family. I have a daughter who brings me so much joy and love. I have a plethora of family members and friends who are loyal and caring, would drop everything to help me out when needed. I have a roof over my head, a car that works, access to good healthcare, the Gospel,  and air conditioning! My life is abounding in blessings…yet I feel dark, twisty and sad feelings every day.

Depression really stinks…I can acknowledge the good things in life and be surrounded by amazing people, yet still feel lonely, abandoned, overwhelmed, scared, and unloved. I think the reason that I feel unloved…is because I don’t love myself much these days. I look in the mirror and see an image that only slightly resembles the mental image I default to in my head. I don’t like the way I physically feel. I don’t like the scarce selection of clothing that I settle for because the cute styles aren’t made in my size. And I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to proactively set goals and reach for the stars. I’ve already started to make some changes in my life over the last few weeks, and I’m trying to bask in the happiness of the little successes.

I’m working on me, inside and out.

  • Hugs……my friend.

    I think we have all been there sometime in our life. We are having a lot of issues at my job, etc which is completely effecting my life right now. Maybe someday I will blog about it.

    Hey, if you feel better, I was completely jealous that you were at Evo because I couldn’t be there because of work issues.

    As my husband says, “everything happens for a reason, and everything always works out”. I have to believe that and everything in the middle is just growing pains to the next phase in our lives.

  • Jeff

    What a coincidence! I spoke in church today, and my topic was anniversaries and things that help us remember, since June 27 is my parents’ wedding anniversary and the day Joseph and Hyrum Smith were martyred.

    Did you know the first American demonstration of color TV and the debut of the first ATM also happened on June 27 (1929 and 1967, respectively)? True story. What a big day!

    Hope your next month and year and beyond are great.

  • Coral Jolee

    I wish I could write as elequently as you.

    Knowing who you are in Christ is really healpful. Knowing that the Lord chose YOU. He picked you out, and knit You together in your Mother’s womb. For a purpose long before chosen for you.

    This scripture has helped me recently:

    Romans 5:3-5 (New King James Version)
    And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

    I love you, and will send prayers that wisdom will abound from this season in your life.

    Love & Prayers,
    Coral Jolee

  • I really relate to what you said about not looking like the mental picture of myself in my head. Every time I see myself in a picture, I’m like, “Really? I’m that big now?” It sucks. I need to learn to love myself too, and hopefully get over whatever is stopping me from becoming the healthy person I want to be. I wish that for you too. Best wishes darling!

  • Esther

    Nicole,
    You’re not alone, my friend. I know “Banished to Spanish” (Fork) hasn’t been your best year, but you’ve been my saving grace and so I’m grateful to have you relatively nearby. Kinda selfish of me, huh? 🙂

    One of my favorite things lately is the principle of compensation, which certainly will apply to you. You’ve dealt with a lot of stressful situations, afflictions, sacrifices, and disappointments and your compensation will be tremendous!!! I’m so glad you’re looking inside and making changes outside to find some well deserved happiness. I know you will find it if you keep pushing forward and turn to your Heavenly Father.

    BTW:
    Speaking of “Banished to Spanish” (Fork), the director of Rosie’s play was talking about the actors feeling like they really do live in River City instead of Spanish Fork. A teenage boy behind me muttered under his breath, “Same thing.” Thought you’d get a kick out of it. I sure did. 😀

    XOXOXO

  • at least one day you will be able to look back on this time and think, well, i am a damn good writer. 🙂 keep reaching for the stars, nicole. you are so capable of getting there. i’m sorry we didn’t get to hang out more at evo, but it seemed like every time we crossed paths we had to be somewhere else. we’ll see each other at blogher, yes?
    xo

  • You will get where you want to be. Look at the wonderful husband and daughter you have to go along for the ride!

    It was wonderful seeing you again.

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