How Did You Find My Blog?

Posted by Nicole Bullock on December 18, 2011 4 Comments

Sometimes I can’t believe the funny searches people Google to find my blog. Checking my Google Analytics account is sometimes funnier than the spam messages I get. Especially when they find posts that have two very unrelated post topics combined into one search.

As I’ve worked in the search engine optimization industry this year, I’ve become a bit of an analytics junkie. I do a lot of keyword research and have found that a lot of people search things by their train of thought, not with proper grammar.

Today I decided to look into my GA account to see if I wanted to tweak a few things on my site, and went into my organic traffic search section. I was laughing hard enough at some of the searches that I thought I’d share a few humdingers with you:

Nose bleeds from the use of crack cocaine
Cute chick in a sombrero
George Michael Faith Jeans Butt
Anonymous compliments from a spider
Hot Dutch LDS Women
Narcissism medical coma
Precancerous bachelor
Blue Canary wife blog

So, my question to you, dear readers, is how did you find my blog? Did you meet me in real life first? Did you find me by Google or social media?

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With: analytics, blogging, funny google searches, google analytics, seo

Not a Mommy Blogger

Posted by Nicole Bullock on December 14, 2011 8 Comments

Since I’ve been living in Utah again, I’ve had lots of opportunities to meet fellow bloggers. Combined with the blogging conferences I’ve attended over the last 2 years, I’ve made some amazing contacts. Some are photography bloggers, some are adoption advocates, some do professional blogging on behalf of businesses. Last week I attended a meetup of local Utah bloggers. As I introduced myself to people I was meeting for the first time, I was asked “What do you blog about?” and “What kind of blogger are you?” It’s often difficult for me to answer the second question, because I don’t consider myself a mommy blogger.

I’m a mom. I blog. But I hate the term “mommyblogger.”

The tagline of my blog used to read “The Culture Loving Pilot Wife Mom Blog.” I was in a very specialized niche of women, the pilot wife/girlfriend bloggers. A lot of people are interested in the unique experiences and struggles that a family in aviation experience. But after a few years of having my blog being focused on being a wife and a mom, I was forgetting to write for myself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I fiercely love my husband and daughter. They are the two most important people in my life. I devote an enormous amount of energy toward working and sacrificing for their happiness. However, I have realized through much trial and error that I don’t survive well without focusing on myself.

I have been blogging for 9 years now. I’ve blogged on a variety of platforms – Blogger, LiveJournal, Myspace, and now WordPress. My blog has evolved several times in each platform.

A few years ago, Mashable posted an article titled “Top 10 Misconceptions About Mommy Bloggers.” The list includes cliches, such as “Mommy bloggers just write to get free stuff,” “Mommy bloggers only write about baby-related topics,” and “Every mom that blogs loves being referred to as a Mommy Blogger.” For a long time, I didn’t mind when people called me a mommyblogger. And when I started adding MOM to my blog tagline, my traffic increased. But after reading and writing blogs for almost a decade, I’ve realized a key reason that I am not a traditional mommyblogger.

I embrace my imperfection.

There is a difference between chaos and imperfection. Everyone knows that being a mom can be chaotic. But many of the closest friends I’ve made through blogging are the ones that have been able to sympathize and commiserate on weight loss, depression and health problems. And those topics are the hardest for me to write about because I reveal my imperfections and insecurities. And I’ve also found a lot of strength.

When I began blogging in 2002, I didn’t know a lot of people who blogged. I would add everyone’s blog to my reading list, comment faithfully, and loyally read every post. By keeping up with all these blogs, I had the same problem as when I wrote more traditional “mommy blog” posts. I got sucked into everyone else’s life, and didn’t give myself enough time to focus on me. Six months ago, I made the difficult decision to give up Google Reader. As hard as it was to stop following the lives of so many friends I’ve come to know over the years, it was also very cathartic. I found myself comparing myself less to others. I spent my precious free time reading about topics that I wanted to know more about, rather than following the minute details of every friend’s child’s dance recital or potty-training success.

Do I feel like a jerk that I gave up every detail of my friends lives? Of course I do. But do I regret it? Not at all.

And I’m not embarrassed to say it…because this blog is about me. I’m a “self-centered” blogger. And it’s totally okay.

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With: blogging, introspection, me, mommybloggers, mommyblogging, motherhood, Rosie, self-centered blogging

TMI Friday: Don’t Mess With My Peeps, Yo!

Posted by Nicole Bullock on February 25, 2011 7 Comments

I’m Nicole, and I’m a Mormon.

But I don’t always feel comfortable talking about religion on my blog. As I’m sure most people do in their life, I have had questions about my faith. I have heard unsavory stories of things that have happened through the history of my church. I have lived half of my life outside of Utah, and have conclusively decided it’s more difficult to live my faith in Utah.

“Mormon Culture” is sometimes hard for me to stomach. I will joke about funeral potatoes and green jello as much as the next girl, but I notice people get so caught up in the “culture” of our faith, that they really don’t focus on the content of the faith. I try to live the Word of Wisdom, but I drink Coke. I have a friend known as Jesus in SLC, who calls me the “coolest Mormon ever.” I have no qualms about joking about the quirks of our religion’s peculiar culture. Part of the Utah Mormon Culture is a conservative political leaning, despite the church’s ever-present stance of political neutrality.

A few years ago, I became acquainted with my friend Gabrielle, aka @funkyvalentine on Twitter. She and I bonded, even though we had very differing opinions on many topics. Through the years, her blogging and faith have been through some significant metamorphosis. She converted to the LDS church, but struggled with some questions with her faith. Eventually she made the decision to leave the Mormon church, and she publicly made statements about this on her blog.

A few days ago, I found out about a podcast on LDS Liberty where the podcast hosts ripped her beliefs to shreds, both spiritual and political. Gabs admittedly has some beliefs that don’t fly with mainstream lifelong conservative Mormons, but the hosts of LDS Liberty made a very public, very blatant attack. I posted the following comment:

Since yesterday, this podcast started being discussed at length on Twitter. I won’t go into the details of our discussions, but it made me sad to see how mean people can be to each other. Especially when it comes to something personal and sacred like religious beliefs. This podcast was a personal attack, a case of cyberbullying, and it’s not okay. I don’t think the podcast discussion was helpful – it was self-righteous and accusatory. Feelings have been hurt, and I personally felt like I needed to talk about it on my blog.

Do you think LDS Liberty took it too far? I’m not interested in discussing the particulars of Gabrielle’s beliefs versus LDS Liberty’s beliefs…but rather the situation in general. Feel free to comment, but please be kind. Hurtful and abusive comments will not be published.

Can’t we all just get along?

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With: blogging, blogging friends, cyberbullying, lds church, LDS culture, Religion, TMI, TMI Friday, TMIFriday, utah mormon culture

Is It Worth It?

Posted by Nicole Bullock on February 9, 2011 5 Comments

Is it worth it to ask for help?

Is it worth it to try and try and fail every time?

Is it worth pouring your heart out, if you aren’t strong enough to handle rejection or silence? Or if your honest pleas for emotional support are met with nonchalance…because eventually you’ll be able to snap out of it? Or is it better to bottle it all up inside until you are certain you are going to explode from pure emotion? Is there a magic release valve so what I feel inside doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to implode on myself?

Is it worth taking a breath, when every breath is labored?

Is it worth getting out of bed, when every action you perform causes physical pain?

Is it worth it to work on my physical body, when I feel like I will never be beautiful or healthy enough? Is it worth it to try drug after drug to heal myself, when it leaves me feeling worse than before?

Is it worth trying to give an explanation, when you feel like everyone already has a firm judgment established about your situation?

Is it worth it when your sheer emotional pain is overshadowed by the guilt you feel for allowing your loved ones to strap on a seatbelt to face your emotional rollercoaster of hell, over and over until you’re sure you’re going to vomit from eMOTIONal sickness?

Is it worth it trying to go to sleep at night, when more of the hours you spend in bed are spent worrying instead of actually sleeping?

Is it worth it to go to therapy, learn and master the steps and tools which will lead to your recovery, only to be plagued with overwhelming feelings of despair and sadness and worthlessness?

Is it worth it to pray when it feels like your bedroom ceiling is plated with stainless steel and your desperate prayers are ignored by a God that is too busy to listen?

Have you ever wondered who will come to your funeral? Is it worth entertaining that fact when you feel like nobody cares? Does the thought of your death feel like it would leave the world in a less chaotic state?

___

I don’t know all these answers. But I know that I think about them a lot. I know the good people I have in life – the family, the friends, the ever increasing circle of influence I seem to acquire. But why do I always feel alone and misunderstood? How can I have a knowledge of my Heavenly Father’s plan, yet still feel like I’m going to be an exception to the rule? How do I get the help I need, when I feel like I’ve done everything in my power and knowledge to make myself better?

Why is depression so difficult to overcome? Is it possible to truly be healed of gaping hole I feel in my heart? Why am I my own worst enemy, setting myself up for failure with obstacle after obstacle on a course that I feel I’ll never be able to achieve? Why does the horrific abuse I’ve endured in my life pale in comparison to the mental anguish I can’t seem to stop inflicting on myself?

My depression tends to be cyclical. I’m really struggling right now, but I’ll bounce back and feel fine in a few days. If I’m lucky, I’ll feel fine in the morning.

But for tonight, permit me the chance to have a literary pity party, and allow the thoughts swirling around my head to be expressed and left to rest for the night. That’s what my blog is for.

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With: depression, introspection, perserverance

Non-Tangible Birthday Gifts

Posted by Nicole Bullock on February 3, 2011 6 Comments

Saturday is my birthday. Other than being excited to see friends for the Frida Tweetup – whoop-de-doo. Make no mistake about it, I do love my birthday. Born on February 5th, I’ve said since about 1985 – “Feb 5 is a great day to come alive.” It’s situated far enough past Christmas that budgets have recovered, and just before people have shot their wad on Valentines’ Day. I do love presents….but this year, it really seems unimportant.

Last year I celebrated my 30th birthday, and it felt pretty monumental. But for the first time ever…this birthday just feels like another year in the history books. At this point, I’m really just happy to still be around. 30 was a year of physical health struggles, mental health struggles, financial struggles, and the beginning of the biggest identity crisis I’ve ever faced. I’ve made it through with the support of family and friends – both online and in person.

Earlier this week, I had a discussion with a friend over Facebook about birthday gifts. She wanted to know if she should get me an iTunes gift card or something off my Amazon Wishlist. She’s been unemployed for several months, and it meant so much that she was planning to spend her meager funds on me. I hate to think of her spending money on that I know she doesn’t have. I told her that I didn’t need a gift…and she seemed sad that I rejected her opportunity to give. Since then, I’ve been pondering this idea. And late in the night, I had a thought – this year I’d rather have non-tangible gifts.

It means the world to me when a random stranger smiles at me. Or someone offers to watch my daughter so I can have some non-mommy time. I read and reread the heartfelt emails I receive which say why I’m loved and important to them. Blog comments and Twitter replies feel like a gift…it helps me know that my thoughts and words make a difference. I love getting invitations to come over to have dinner with a friend’s family, thus taking away the stress of deciding what to make for dinner after work. I love getting unexpected mentions online, such as links to my blog posts or professional recommendations on LinkedIn. I love when people show up at my house randomly to give me a hug (and don’t judge me for my messy house.) Or just slap a sombrero on my head, sing Happy Birthday in Spanish, and present me with a dish of fried ice cream.

So unless you were planning on giving me a stash of Coke Zero, don’t waste your money on a birthday gift for me. I’m curious what people will do/say, so I will report back next week to let you know how my non-tangible birthday gift experiment went.

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With: birthday, friends, gifts, love, what matters most

Wordless Wednesday: Nicole’s Knotty Hair

Posted by Nicole Bullock on January 12, 2011 4 Comments

When unraveling braids, my hair gets a little knotty/naughty

Filed Under: Me | Tagged: Tagged With: hair, Nicole, random, wordless Wednesday

Putting the CUTE back into CuteCultureChick

Posted by Nicole Bullock on October 27, 2010 23 Comments

I'm not disgusting, right?

I may not be everyone’s ideal of beauty, but I am beautiful. At least, I believe I am most of the time.

The last 24 hours have really rocked my world. An article by Maura Kelly was posted yesterday, via the Marie Claire website, entitled “Should Fatties Get A Room (Even on TV?).” In this inflammatory piece of literary rubbish very bluntly and vocally stated her disgust with people who were overweight. She was speaking of a CNN article about a CBS sitcom called “Mike and Molly,” in which a couple meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Maura Kelly states,

“Yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”

As I obsessively thought about this subject yesterday, I decided to watch some episodes of “Mike and Molly” on CBS.com. The show is a comedy about two blue-collar people falling in love, who happen to be obese. Sure, there are fat jokes poked in, but it is a COMEDY series, about people who are more real than most other TV relationships. The fact that they meet at an OA meeting shows that they aren’t content with themselves, and are making proactive steps to improve their lives. I truly believe that Melissa McCarthy is a knockout.

For me, and I’m sure for most people that struggle with their weight, it’s more than just fast food. It’s metabolic and chemical deficiencies. It’s long-term, deep seated fears and habits. It’s difficult to feel judged and misunderstood. It’s hard to be persistent when months of strict dietary observance result in plateaus. And despite the notions portrayed in the media, and the hurtful/helpful comments from loved ones, I have to remind myself that I AM NOT WHAT THEY PERCEIVE ME TO BE.

Obesity does not equal Ugly

Obesity does not equal Lazy

Obesity may mean flawed and weak, but aren’t we all?

My weight has exacerbated my respiratory problems (asthma and sleep apnea), and I have PCOS. I know my emotional scars and depression are intricately linked to my body issues. Back in May, I started Weight Watchers for the 8th time. It’s embarrassing to say that out loud, but it’s true. Weight Watchers has worked better than any other weight loss method I’ve attempted. And believe me, there have been some crazy ways I’ve tried. Wackjob doctors, diet pills, starvation, injections, days of eating nothing but oranges and pickles. I have kept all my Weight Watchers materials (five different printing editions). I have a thick file folder full of my written food trackers. Month after month after month of negligible progress.

Fortunately this spring, I got up the guts to give it another try. Since May, I’m down 25ish pounds. Unfortunately that means another 160 to go. No weight loss effort has very netted a loss of over 30 pounds. It’s hard to not get frustrated and give up. Or I’ll be having some good Momentum and financial difficulties require dropping the $40/month membership fee. When I’m motivated, I exercise like a maniac…and usually hurt myself. I’ve been through numerous counseling sessions and support meetings, partnered up with workout buddies, and nothing seems to have a lasting effect. I’ve learned the coping mechanisms to avoid binge eating…but I still occasionally relapse. I’m seriously considering bariatric surgery, but I don’t feel like I’ve reached the “last resort” point yet.

So for people who look at my body, thinking I’m lazy, disgusting, slothful, unattractive, I wish they could know the real me. The desire I have to be healthy and shapely. But it’s been a long time since CuteCultureChick has FELT cute. I’m committed again to working towards a better life. I just wish those with narrow minds and cold hearts could recognize that.

Filed Under: Health, Me | Tagged: Tagged With: depression, Marie Claire, Maura Kelly, Obesity, prejudice, support, weight loss

Losing My License and My Mind in Phoenix

Posted by Nicole Bullock on May 4, 2010 18 Comments

Why Me?

This weekend was awesome. But it almost wasn’t.

Back on my 30th birthday, Taylor’s gift to me was a verbal promise for a one-day ticket to the Coachella Music Festival. But the ticketing guidelines changed this year, and only $270 full weekend passes were available. When my Coachella plans fell through, he told me to find something else I was passionate about attending, and to use the money for that ticket. I promptly signed up for Bloggy Boot Camp in Phoenix.

The thing is…a $99 registration fee doesn’t include all the other stuff (meals, transportation, etc) Detail after detail miraculously fell into place over the next 2 months, and I was ready for an exciting weekend at a Scottsdale resort. Miracle of miracles, I got on the standby flight from SLC to PHX at the last second (after arriving at the airport and breezing through security with 27 minutes till departure).

When I arrived at the gate at PHX, I pulled my iPhone out of my pocket to reply to a few tweets, and my drivers license was stuck to the phone. I’m quite diligent about returning my ID to my wallet after security…since everything seems to get jumbled up in my purse and pockets when I travel. But I thought, “I’m gonna be renting my car in a few minutes, I’ll just leave it my my pocket.” After a ridiculous criss-crossing of Terminal 3 (because the “Ground Transportation” signs don’t mean “Car Rental Shuttle”), I hopped on the bus. Immediately, the bus driver announced that Vice President Joe Biden’s private plane was about to land, and all ground and air traffic was halted. I was frustrated, but what can you do? 30 minutes later, I arrived at the PHX Airport Car Rental Center (several miles from the terminal). I flew off the bus, ran to the rental counter, pulled out my wallet, and my drivers license wasn’t in there. I panicked for a half-second before realizing that I’d left my license in my pocket. I pulled out a wad of boarding passes, receipts, and candy wrappers….but no license.

I talked to the rental car agent. I had my hole-punched Georgia drivers license on me, and explained that I’d lost my Utah license. He said ‘We aren’t authorized to rent without a valid license, but I can recommend some off-airport locations that will let you rent without ID for an additional fee”. (WTF?) I hurredly ran through the rental car building…no licenses on the floor. I ran toward the shuttle I’d just been on….no license. I even checked shuttles I didn’t ride on (I know that there’d be no chance of another shuttle, but I FELT like it would help) Each minute that passed, I felt more upset and neurotic. Without a license I couldn’t rent a car, nor could I pass through security for my return flight. I was praying for spontaneous Xanax to appear in my hand.

I took the shuttle back to the terminal. I walked up and down all the areas that security would permit me. I talked to ticket counter agents, TSA agents, custodians, tourists, anyone that might have had their eyes on the floor to notice my smiling face on a piece of rectangular plastic. My phone was almost dead, so I plopped down on the ground at an outlet next to the baggage carousel. I plugged in my phone and began to sob a jagged prayer in a heap on the floor.

Within two minutes, an airport employee walked up to me and asked, “Are you Nicole?” I knew this kind soul was a direct answer to a prayer I’d just uttered. I stumbled up on my feet, gave her a gigantic bear hug, and blubbered out the best words of appreciation I could mutter. A passenger had seen the license on the ground, but the airport Lost and Found had already closed for the day. The one who found it turned it in to this girl who worked for airport catering. She was almost off shift, and wandered around for an hour looking for me. Even after she’d clocked out of her shift…she knew if she kept looking for me, I’d be there.

After composing myself, I took the shuttle back to the rental car center to pick up my car. Because I was paying with a debit card, they had to take out a $250 deposit (which I was anticipating)…but then they said I had to have proof on paper of my return flight. Back I went to the terminal to have a Delta agent list me for the Sunday return flight, and once again to the rental car center. Three hours after my flight landed, I was in my rental car headed for Scottsdale. I had barely eaten anything during the day, and was ravenous after 6 hours since my last meal. I stopped at a Chick-Fil-A, got my dinner, and my BELOVED PEACH MILKSHAKE.

20 minutes later, I checked into my room, flopped on my bed, and stared at the ceiling for a bit. I knew a bunch of ladies were eating at the restaurant on site, and I didn’t want to miss out. Luckily, I LOOKED better than I FELT at that point…so I joined the girls for some mixing and mingling. As soon as I saw my roomie Adrian, I burst into spontaneous tears again. But within moments, I was showered with hugs and love and everything started to feel right. I knew I was going to have a blast at Bloggy Boot Camp.

And soon I’ll tell you all about it.

Filed Under: Me, Travel | Tagged: Tagged With: airport, Bloggy Boot Camp, insanity, Travel

The End of The End

Posted by Nicole Bullock on April 30, 2010 7 Comments

Forgive me for my recent lack of posting…I’ve been in mourning.

My absolute favorite radio station of all time, 101.9 The End, disappeared off the Salt Lake area airwaves last Wednesday. I had less than an hour of notice before the last songs of Utah’s Rock Alternative played.

I’m a music junkie. I’m a fan of terrestrial radio. I spend ridiculous amounts of time in my car. Good music is a MUST when I drive. Despite my loaded 120 GB iPod, I like me a little sassy bit of radio personality peppered in. I’ve found stations in other states and cities that I’m loyal to (particularly 93.9 The River in Detroit), and thankfully most of them broadcast online. But it was like the air was stolen out of my lungs to have MY STATION lose its DJs and go jockless. And does America need another crappy Gen X radio station? I think not.

O dear Grant Ruby, Cort and Chunga, and all the others at The End who made the world a happier musical place, please accept my devoted love to you. I wish you much success to you in the future. You’ve got a fan for life.

Now excuse me while I begrudgingly reset the preset stations on my car stereo.

UPDATE JANUARY 2011: They’re back on the air!!!

Filed Under: Culture, Me | Tagged: Tagged With: Culture, music, radio

Despair and Euphoria

Posted by Nicole Bullock on April 15, 2010 17 Comments

Melancholy

Indulgent

Narcissistic

Overly-critical

Impatient

Unrealistic

Moody

Contrary

Impulsive

Unforgiving

Wistful

Confused

Irreverent

Recently I’ve had a difficult time figuring out who I am. I feel like my life is a constant state of change, and so many elements are beyond my control. When I am in a depressive episode (nearly a year now), I have a hard time focusing on the positive traits I possess. I know I have many attributes that are admirable…it just seems like I can’t admire them in myself. Despite my greatest efforts, I find myself drowning in despair nearly every day.

I have felt so unattractive for so long. While focusing on improving my mental health and self image this year, my eternal quest for weight loss has fallen by the wayside. Other than a brief few months in high school while on Phen-Fen, I’ve always been overweight or obese. I now weigh the most I ever have, well surpassing the “Not in a million years!” weight I set for myself. I actually have no idea of my exact weight at the moment…my digital scale now reads the “ERR” error message. I have very few clothing items in which I feel confident, and little money to buy something new. It takes me so long to find ANYTHING that fits correctly, and I never seem to have the money to purchase something I finally find that works.

I have only found a few things that have made me feel happy…supportive words and good conversation, affection, the beauty of the outdoors, and time with my loved ones. But when I wallow in the depths for so much time, I find myself seeking things that not only make me happy…I want things to make me feel euphoric. The things that make me feel euphoric…food, sex, travel and concerts. Travel and concerts find themselves into my budget more than most people, but I can’t tell you how happy I feel after I’ve gotten home. Sex…well, when you’re married to a man who is gone 2/3 of the month…you get the idea. So I’ve heavily relied on food to feel euphoric. And in the end, I weigh 50 pounds more than I did last April.

A few days ago, I took the above cell phone picture of myself for Taylor. I sent it off to him via text, and forgot about it till last night. I kept looking and looking at it…not believing it was me. After so many months of being on the edge of hating myself, it was an incredible ego boost to see a picture of me where I looked attractive and beautiful. It was a glimpse of the innate Nicole that I feel so rarely that her image was almost an enigma. After cropping out the scandalous lingerie I was wearing in the photo, I’m sharing this Nicole with you.

I am Nicole. I am talented. I am passionate. I am strong. I am a survivor. I am ambitious. I am tolerant. I am devoted. I am unique. I am sexy. I am conscientious. I am spiritual. I am considerate. I am wise. I am empathetic. I am intelligent. I am a loyal. I am silly. I am intuitive. I am enthusiastic. I am accomplished. I am compassionate. I am generous. I am witty. I am creative. I am flexible. I am skilled. I am assertive. I am hard-working. I am grateful. I am eclectic. I am artistic. I am diligent. I am resourceful. I am resilient.

But most of all….I am honest. Thank you for caring enough to share my struggles and offer support.

Filed Under: Life, Me | Tagged: Tagged With: depression, introspection, sadness, TMI