Feeling like an absolute jerk

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I’ve always felt like I’m a loyal friend. I have a very hard time giving people up and letting them go on with their lives when circumstances change. This would explain why I have such a large circle of friends and acquaintances. I can be away from a friend for a year…and pick up a conversation out of the dust that feels like no time has passed. Free-spirited, and craving opportunities to meet new people for mutual life enhancement. Chalk it up to being Aquarian, I suppose. But I realize that not all people are like this.

I just read an LJ entry from my friend…let’s call him “jailbait.” He came into my life at a somewhat lonely, and significantly more confused time in my life. He is a great friend, generous, complimentary, excellent listener and advice giver (although I didn’t always TAKE his advice to heart.) We’ve had some very great times together in the last few months. However, his romantic interest in me did not reciprocate. There were some awkward moments when I had played up the flirtation and he got the “I am ready to kiss you” look in his eye. We never did kiss, but there were plentiful hugs and tickle wars on his couch (that we joke that I “used” him for) But in the last month (which consequently is the same month that Dan took up the majority of my time and thoughts) I haven’t been there for him like I once was. Not that I don’t enjoy him any less, I just had my focus elsewhere. The last time were were together, we went to a star show at the Clark Planetarium. He was an absolute grumpster that night. He kind of disappeared at the time I disappeared to pursue Dan. In his LJ entry, he was pretty fed up about me.

“…well, she just hasn’t been as good of a friend as I had hoped she would be…she never did take a real interest in me..but…she’s cool anyways…i’m much more strait talking now then I ever have been…kind of just telling people the way things really are…like w/ my “friend” NP…i told her the other day that I had just assumed that we had reached that point where we had drifted apart and going our seperate ways…as friends that don’t make an effort sometimes do…and as sad as that is, you know…I don’t need friendships where I’m the only one that is making an effort…so…I let them go that way…”

I suppose I was selfish, lapping up the attention he so willingly gave. I thought he felt like I was giving something back too…there were times we cried together for how thankful we were to have each other apart of our lives. I don’t want him to feel like I am used him, but maybe I did. I’m sorry that I haven’t been for him what he had hoped I would be. I hope he knows that I wasn’t just trying to “fake being a friend.” I don’t know if he will be willing to accept overdue friendship fees.

*sigh*

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