So tired, but I can’t sleep

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Current mood: drained

So it’s 3:00 am, I’ve only gotten 3.5 hours of sleep and I know I’m completely exhausted…but I can’t sleep. This has been the case since early April. Some nights I sleep okay…4-6 hours. But usually I wake up multiple times and feel groggy during the day. I saw the sleep specialist last week, who agreed that I need another polysomnography test. I’m waiting on the pre-auth from my insurance.

I’m not sure my exhaustion is just from lack of sleep. Responsibilities at work have increased, I started school last week, I’ve had a lot of church obligations, and I miss Taylor terribly. Since my asthma attack a few weeks ago, my energy level has plummeted. I don’t have the energy to make a full hour of cardio at the gym anymore….20 min is pushing it. I’ve gained back 7 pounds this month, due to lack of exercise, overeating, and steroids.

Taylor’s interview date with Pinnacle has been pushed back a few weeks, so it looks like he’ll be in FL until early June. It’s still unclear how long he’ll have between his interview and his start date in Memphis. I hope we get a week or so, but there are no promises. He’ll be in Memphis for two months, then on reserve in Detroit. This year is really going to suck. I wish his flight benefits kicked in sooner so we could see each other more often. Distance has definitely made the heart grow fonder.

I’m feeling a little under-sympathized than I’d hoped at this point. Right when Taylor left, neighbors, friends, and ward members were clammoring to help me. (Babysitting, dinners, etc…) I wasn’t that lonely at first, and I was holding up really well. Now that I’m lonely and worn out, I have a really hard time figuring out help with Rosie. Now that I’m in school, I feel like my life is overly scheduled out everyday and I don’t get a chance for ALONE time very often. Just about everywhere I go, Rosie goes too. Last night I really wanted to go to a movie by myself, just to get out and enjoy myself….but I couldn’t find anyone to watch Rosie. Tonight I’m going to a concert and I can’t find any help either. It’s hard, since I won’t be getting home from Hollywood until 2ish am….and a sleepover really would work better. But since tomorrow’s Sunday, a lot of people have a no-sleepover rule for Saturday nights in my ward. I feel like I’ve over-extended Eleanor with watching Rosie 1-2 times a week. I just don’t want people to feel put out…even though Rosie is super-easy to take care of.

I know this too shall pass, but for now I’m struggling a lot. Rosie has been a great help for me not to miss Taylor so much…but I can only handle so much kid-time and kid-activities. I love her to bits, but I’m deep down a person who needs a lot of alone time to refresh and renew myself for my self-imposed overly busy life. Taylor is always telling me to cut out something, but I feel the need to fill up my life even more to not miss him. It is not good that man/woman should be alone.

If any of you are feeling sympathy, let me know if you are willing to help. It seems like my only alone time is from 5-6 pm, from when I get off work until I pick up Rosie from daycare….but most of the time is in the car to just commute home. I’m a go places/do things kinda girl, and I’m usually not content to just stay home every night.

I’ll be fine. I know it will….eventually.

Currently listening :
Continuum
By John Mayer
Release date: 12 September, 2006
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