I will admit it. I’m an emotional person. When I feel anything, I typically feel it very deeply. I typically care too much for things that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on, and have a deep sense of guilt for the things that I didn’t accomplish because I spent so much time on whatever it was that occupied my time (wow, that was a run-on sentence!). I also am a selectively private person…if I open up about anything personal to others about myself, I blurt it all out on that particular topic. I keep a pretty confident facade toward the public, as I’ve learned that you are more likely to make friends and be surrounded by positive people if you are positive yourself. But a lot of it is a facade. I have learned the art of the fake smile. But today I can’t give a fake smile. I actually feel quite miserable. And where better to share it than in a blog, eh? So here is a inhibition-free account of my life at the present.
The last 24 hours, I have been feeling a massive, raging sadness and loneliness. I have shed more tears than in recent memory. And not just tears…massive, globulous tears that are so big that they slide down my cheeks and down my neck and shirt within about 2 seconds flat. If I lay on my side, my ear will fill up with tears and overflow into my hair. I have a headache the size of Montana. My chin has quivered uncontrollably, and my face contorted to some pretty unattractive positions as I’ve sobbed myself into oblivion. I cried on the phone with Taylor, cried as I washed dishes, cried as I IM’d a friend, cried as I drove, cried myself to sleep, cried through sacrament meeting, and just got off the phone from crying to Taylor again. I’m crying as I this blog is being written.
And why am I crying??? I am realizing the fact that I’ll never be as perfect as I set out for myself to be. My adult life has never been “easy” or “normal” for more than a few months. Large trial after large trial have beset me often. My life is so overwhelming right now…full time work, full time school, trying to be a good parent (who spends sufficient, entertaining, and enriching time with Rosie daily), trying to be healthy and lose weight again, missing my family in Utah, not being a burden on my family here, coping with my husband on the other side of the country for the rest of the near future, etc… I feel like every aspect is sagging in my life…I don’t get much positive feedback at work, which makes me doubt if I’m appreciated and meeting everyone’s expectations. I’m having a hard time keeping up with my course of study for school (l’ve already decided against the fast track to graduation). I have gained back over 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, that took me 8 months to lose. I make it to the gym less and less, rely on food for stress relief more and more, wake up later and later in the morning, and haven’t been keeping up on daily spirituality (i.e. scriptures, meaningful prayers, PREPARING my primary lesson before Sunday morning)
But the hardest part is being married to a wonderful man that I rarely see. He’s finally making strides in his career, got a paycheck this week, and is doing what he needs to do to make our family succeed financially. But he’s still far away, I don’t know when I’ll see him next, and his future plans aren’t established securely enough to plan on anything long term. His assignment to Detroit was confirmed this week, but he won’t actually go to Detroit for a few months. It would be ridiculous for me to relocate to Memphis for now, but I am wondering if a Detroit relocation will be a reality in the next few months.
Detroit has never been a city I’ve had any inkling to visit, let alone move to. Yeah, I know there are good neighborhoods and cultural diversity and things that I’ve come to enjoy in LA…but Detroit? How do you even fathom moving to a region you have never even explored? I don’t know anyone that lives there to get an honest perspective on the D-town lifestyle (and although the wikipedia account is thorough, I refuse to base my future on a website.) I don’t know how strong the church is there, how far I’d have to drive to a temple, and how I’d cope living away from ALL family when Rosie gets baptized next year.
Yes, I understand that I may be getting ahead of myself at this point. Pinnacle may announce a west coast hub and we’ll just be content to stay in So Cal for the time being. But what if moving is the right thing? With the thought of still working full time and moving without my husband here…AACCKK! I can’t even hypothesize over it.
I’m tired. I think I’ll cry myself to sleep for a Sunday afternoon nap.