Sorry for the recent lack of blog posts, I’m busy being a professional patient. Air quality is bad, and my lungs are totally out of whack. And I’m sick of being sick.
TMI Friday: My Poor Nostrils
Posted by on February 4, 2011 2 Comments
Between the painfully dry winter in Utah, and the nightly abuse of pressurized air from my CPAP machine…my nostrils are suffering. Between prescription-strength steroid nasal spray, regular swipes of Neosporin on a Q-TIP, and sinus rinses…I’m doing what my doctor has ordered. Unfortunately, I’m getting bloody noses all the time. What’s really gross is waking up with a bloody nose and it bleeds into a CPAP mask. Using a humidifier doesn’t seem to make a bit of difference. Between emotional outbursts of depression and wacky winter weather, I could personally keep Kleenex in business. Good thing their website lets you send a free package of tissue to a friend (*hint hint*).
So loyal readers…what do you do to save your schnoz during the winter?
RIP Jack LaLanne
Posted by on January 24, 2011 2 Comments
“I can’t die. It would ruin my image.”
“I do it as a therapy. I do it as something to keep me alive. We all need a little discipline. Exercise is my discipline. “
“How do you build up your bank account? By putting something in it everyday.Your health account is no different. What I do today, I am wearing tomorrow. If I put inferior foods in my body today, I’m going to be inferior tomorrow, it’s that simple.”
“Maybe you don’t believe in Jesus. But was Jesus a showman? Why did he go around making the blind see and the lame walk and those kinds of things? He did it to call attention to his philosophy.”
Jack LaLanne, the American fitness icon, passed away Sunday, January 23rd at age 96. He died of respiratory failure as a result of pneumonia complications. With so many years of health and vigor, some wondered if he would live forever. And as we see with Jack LaLanne’s passing, all good things must come to an end.
Francois Henri “Jack” LaLanne was born September 26, 1914 in San Franciscio. He was the son of French immigrants, and grew up addicted to sugar and junk food. He experienced bouts of rage, suicidal feelings, and at one time tried to burn his house down. When he was 15, he heard health food pioneer Paul Bragg give a talk on health and nutrition. Inspired by Bragg’s teachings, Jack started focusing on his exercise and eating habits and studied human anatomy. He concentrated on bodybuilding and weightlifting.
Nicknamed the “Godfather of Fitness,” LaLanne was a bodybuilder, exercise and nutritional expert, TV personality, and even earned a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2002. Quoting his obituary in the LA Times,
“Though LaLanne was for many years dismissed as merely a “muscle man” — a notion fueled to some extent by his amazing feats of strength — he was the spiritual father of the health movement that blossomed into a national craze of weight rooms, exercise classes and fancy sports clubs. LaLanne opened what is commonly believed to be the nation’s first health club, in Oakland in 1936. In the 1950s, he launched an early-morning televised exercise program keyed to housewives. He designed many now-familiar exercise machines, including leg extension machines and cable-pulley weights. And he proposed the then-radical idea that women, the elderly and even the disabled should work out to retain strength. Full of exuberance and good cheer, LaLanne saw himself as a combination cheerleader, rescuer and savior. And if his enthusiasm had a religious fervor to it, well, so be it.”
“Have you seen some of the crap they’re selling as exercise equipment now?” Jack wondered. “How about that Suzanne Somers? She should have been thrown in jail for selling the piece-of-crap Thigh Master. It just develops a little muscle on the inner thigh. What good is that? And have you seen Tony Little, the guy who screams on TV? He’s like an imbecile. He says you need this little thing to hold you while you do a sit-up. Why does the government let him get away with it?”
As a woman who has struggled with health and weight issues since my childhood years, Jack LaLanne has been somewhat of an idol to me. I have several of his books, and tried to adhere to his fitness and nutrition advice. I’ve consumed countless glasses of freshly juiced fruits and vegetables …. thanks to my persistence after watching his juicer machine infomercials. My father-in-law tries to be helpful by encouraging me to give Jack LaLanne’s advice a try…little does he know how much it’s been a part of my life already. He preached the gospel of eating right and being active…joking,
“It is a religion for me. It is a way of life. A religion is a way of life, isn’t it? Billy Graham was for the hereafter. I’m for the here and now.”
To the man of eternal health and vigor – Rest in Peace.
Self-Less – Thoughts on Service and Depression in Mormon Culture
Posted by on December 13, 2010 14 Comments
“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in Heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48
My whole life, I have been taught of the value of selfless service. If you are ever struggling with yourself, find someone to serve and it will help your situation not seem so bleak. It is important to show compassion; to bear one another’s burdens, to mourn with those that mourn, and to succor the weak. The following two verses come to mind:
“And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God.” Mosiah 2:17
“He that findeth his life shall lose it; and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” Matthew 10:39
Marvin J. Ashton counseled those suffering from depression to “not doubt your abilities. Do not delay your worthy impressions. With God’s help, you cannot fail. He will give you the courage to participate in meaningful and purposeful living. Prayer and service lift their spirits and increase their self-esteem and feeling of power or control. Taking the focus off of themselves also helps put their problems in perspective and makes them feel they are not singled out for challenges. A day of service makes them feel useful and significant to others. At the moment of depression, if you will follow a simple program, you will get out of it. Get on your knees and get the help of God, then get up and go find somebody who needs something you can help them with. Then it will be a good day.”
Depression isn’t a sign of failure, but the feeling of failure. Telling someone to “snap out of it” is like telling a sick person to perform surgery on himself. Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, an LDS father of five said, ” We have this ‘All is well in Zion’ kind of thing going on here…We’d rather not talk about it at all…or maybe go talk to the bishop about it. If there really is a mental health issue you need help with, it doesn’t work to talk to your ecclesiastic leaders.” He touches on a pretty common misconception – that the bishop is your all-knowing source of guidance and counsel. If you’re having a problem of ANY type, you need to go talk to the bishop. But this is not necessarily true. Most bishops are not formally and professionally trained in psychology. Bishops are given guidelines in a handbook, and are told to “follow the spirit.” Bishops do the best they can, but they have limited resources. They are able to refer you to a mental health professional, typically through LDS Family services. Unfortunately, an untrained bishop may attribute overwhelming feelings of depression as evidence for a serious undisclosed sin. These unnecessary feelings of guilt will likely make the depression even worse. Psychological disorders are NOT a reflection of sin. I wouldn’t be surprised if most disorders found in a mental health clinic were also found in a typical ward.
I was reading a link someone sent me on Mormon Depression via Twitter the other day. It was an article by a conservative Christian pastor named Mark Cares, President of the Truth in Love Ministry. The Ministry has launched a billboard campaign in Idaho called “Feeling Worthy?” and campaign literature focuses on Mormon “stress points.” Pastor Cares said, “Mormons are under a significant amount of stress because of all the commandments they need to uphold and the duties they need to perform in order to be worthy to receive God’s blessings — including his forgiveness. The article asks, “Are Mormon women plagued with guilt and stress because of their religion, or is this campaign simply another form of anti-Mormonism?”
Paraphrasing the article a bit, researchers have drawn conclusions that the large Mormon population in Utah is partially to blame for the high levels of depression in the state. According to studies by Mental Health America and Express Scripts, Utah is the most depressed state in the country, and Utah residents are prescribed antidepressant drugs at a rate twice the national average.
A 2008 ABC News article stated, “The postcard image of Utah is a state of gleaming cities, majestic mountains and persistently smiling people. But new research shows a very different picture of the state, a snapshot of suicide and widespread depression…Psychiatrists point to several factors that could contribute to Utah’s high levels of depression: limited mental health resources, restricted access to treatment as a result of cost, poor quality of resources and a varied list of other factors, including an underfunded educational system and a culture deeply rooted in the Mormon faith.
As these depressed Mormons, particularly women, serve themselves out of their rut, a key principle is not often mentioned; the opportunity to serve requires the other half of the service equation – someone in need of service. Sometimes, the person desperately in NEED of service is overwhelming themselves with GIVING service. As I struggle to improve my self-confidence and trust my innate abilities, I tend to drop everything when I hear of someone in need. I want to be happy, so I help. It does feels good to be helpful, but I’m realizing how often it depletes me.
I’m in a constant battle between my own needs and the needs of others. My husband has needs. My daughter has needs. My parents have needs. 90% of the time, I ignore what I need for myself. And I’m beginning to realize how harmful my “selflessness” has been. I’ve given up on dreams and desires of my youth. I missed out on much of Rosie’s young years because I was working to support my family. I’ve postponed my goals of fitness and weight loss because the financial cost was too overwhelming for our meager budget. A lot of the time, I don’t know what is worth aspiring to in my future.
I am realizing my desperate need to allow myself to be selfish, not selfless. And it feels like foreign territory.
I know through my religious beliefs that my struggles are temporary. God has a plan for me. The following quotes and scriptures help sustain me when I feel like I have no strength to keep trying.
“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:89).
“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17).
“Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (“Doctrine and Covenants 122:7)
“If all the sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith. . . .Should all prayers be immediately answered according to our selfish desires and our limited understanding, then there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood.” Spencer W. Kimball
“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey … delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” Gordon B Hinckley (quoting Jenkin Loyd Jones)
Insomnia and Hypersomnia
Posted by on December 3, 2010 21 Comments
The insomnia monster is visiting me regularly these days, or nights rather. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about my sleep issues, so what better time to write about it than in the middle of the night?
Since my mid-teenage years, I’ve had such irregular sleep patterns. Or “poor sleep hygiene” as a sleep specialist would label it. I vacillate between insomnia to hypersomnia, particularly excessive daytime sleepiness. Despite my desire for a useful and restful 8 hours at night, it’s extremely rare. I’m frustrated with the insomnia to the point that it keeps me up even more. Days are unpredictable and often doze into microsleeps. If I lost my access to Provigil and caffeine, I don’t know where I’d be.
I had my first overnight sleep study in 2004. I was diagnosed with upper airway resistance syndrome, which is a precursor to obstructive sleep apnea. I tried using CPAP therapy for 6 months, and it honestly hindered my ability to sleep. My doctor advised weight reduction, which has been my constant struggle since my early teen years. Unfortunately, it’s very difficult to lose weight when you are getting inadequate sleep. Over the next several years, I’ve moved from state to state, never having continuous care with a single sleep specialist.
Through 2008 and 2009, my symptoms worsened and I accepted that I have sleep apnea. Despite my hatred of the CPAP mask, I have accepted it as a part of my life.
I have tried a variety of CPAP masks over the years…full face, nasal pillows, comfort gel. And honestly? NONE OF THEM ARE TRULY COMFORTABLE. It comes down to what you can tolerate enough to actually fall asleep. I’m certain hundreds of hours of sleep have been lost, directly due to the fact that I was stressing about the ugly and awkward mask on my face. I joke that my bedside table is a “graveyard of rejected CPAP masks.” I cannot even begin to fathom the cost of all the medical equipment, polysomnography testing, and doctors visits.
I’ve been actively working towards weight loss the past 6 months. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m making negligible progress. I’ve had 6 doctors in 4 states urge me to seriously consider bariatric surgery. All of them are certain that if I drop 80+ pounds, the chest and throat obstruction that cause my sleep apnea will practically disappear. I’m wondering how many more conservative means I need to exhaust before I can go under the knife knowing that I’ve done all I can do? I started going to Curves Fitness, and hope so deeply it could be the answer I’ve sought for successful weight loss. Unfortunately, I go into every weigh loss attempt with that attitude, and usually give up after months of effort that don’t yield results.
I would love to be healthier, leaner, and could sleep without the restraint of a CPAP mask on my face (and to travel without lugging around the CPAP machine!) I just need to keep trying so I can make it happen, and it might be with the help of a surgeon at this point.
Putting the CUTE back into CuteCultureChick
Posted by on October 27, 2010 23 Comments
I'm not disgusting, right?
I may not be everyone’s ideal of beauty, but I am beautiful. At least, I believe I am most of the time.
The last 24 hours have really rocked my world. An article by Maura Kelly was posted yesterday, via the Marie Claire website, entitled “Should Fatties Get A Room (Even on TV?).” In this inflammatory piece of literary rubbish very bluntly and vocally stated her disgust with people who were overweight. She was speaking of a CNN article about a CBS sitcom called “Mike and Molly,” in which a couple meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Maura Kelly states,
“Yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”
As I obsessively thought about this subject yesterday, I decided to watch some episodes of “Mike and Molly” on CBS.com. The show is a comedy about two blue-collar people falling in love, who happen to be obese. Sure, there are fat jokes poked in, but it is a COMEDY series, about people who are more real than most other TV relationships. The fact that they meet at an OA meeting shows that they aren’t content with themselves, and are making proactive steps to improve their lives. I truly believe that Melissa McCarthy is a knockout.
For me, and I’m sure for most people that struggle with their weight, it’s more than just fast food. It’s metabolic and chemical deficiencies. It’s long-term, deep seated fears and habits. It’s difficult to feel judged and misunderstood. It’s hard to be persistent when months of strict dietary observance result in plateaus. And despite the notions portrayed in the media, and the hurtful/helpful comments from loved ones, I have to remind myself that I AM NOT WHAT THEY PERCEIVE ME TO BE.
Obesity does not equal Ugly
Obesity does not equal Lazy
Obesity may mean flawed and weak, but aren’t we all?
My weight has exacerbated my respiratory problems (asthma and sleep apnea), and I have PCOS. I know my emotional scars and depression are intricately linked to my body issues. Back in May, I started Weight Watchers for the 8th time. It’s embarrassing to say that out loud, but it’s true. Weight Watchers has worked better than any other weight loss method I’ve attempted. And believe me, there have been some crazy ways I’ve tried. Wackjob doctors, diet pills, starvation, injections, days of eating nothing but oranges and pickles. I have kept all my Weight Watchers materials (five different printing editions). I have a thick file folder full of my written food trackers. Month after month after month of negligible progress.
Fortunately this spring, I got up the guts to give it another try. Since May, I’m down 25ish pounds. Unfortunately that means another 160 to go. No weight loss effort has very netted a loss of over 30 pounds. It’s hard to not get frustrated and give up. Or I’ll be having some good Momentum and financial difficulties require dropping the $40/month membership fee. When I’m motivated, I exercise like a maniac…and usually hurt myself. I’ve been through numerous counseling sessions and support meetings, partnered up with workout buddies, and nothing seems to have a lasting effect. I’ve learned the coping mechanisms to avoid binge eating…but I still occasionally relapse. I’m seriously considering bariatric surgery, but I don’t feel like I’ve reached the “last resort” point yet.
So for people who look at my body, thinking I’m lazy, disgusting, slothful, unattractive, I wish they could know the real me. The desire I have to be healthy and shapely. But it’s been a long time since CuteCultureChick has FELT cute. I’m committed again to working towards a better life. I just wish those with narrow minds and cold hearts could recognize that.
Doing my Best
Posted by on March 18, 2010 18 Comments
The last few months have really put me through the wringer, emotionally and physically. It has been incredibly difficult to go from an able-bodied, overzealous DO-er, to someone who has to accept help from others, and be satisfied with myself when I accomplish less than my usual best.
My mother has dealt with chronic pain for nearly 17 years, over half of my life. When she wasn’t able to do all that she needed to, I stepped in. I spent most of my teenage years being a nurturer, a teacher, a chauffeur, a cook, and serving my family whenever necessary. It was frustrating and overwhelming at times, but I was happy that I was able to serve. Although I never really understood my mother’s physical pain, I trusted that she was doing the best she could. I knew I had the ability to help…and I did. And still do.
Since I injured my back in December, my life has been like a parallel universe. I have little endurance and mobility. I am dependent on several medications to function AT ALL. I keep ice packs, heating pads, and “granny pillows” at hand. I go to physical therapy 3 times a week. The entire office staff at my doctor’s office know me by name. I’m on the phone sorting out bills with my insurance, hospitals, urgent care clinics, imaging centers, and medical supply companies nearly every day. I deal with symptoms that sometimes cripple my mobility, such as limb numbness from hip to toe, for hours at a time. I got my first bedsore this week. Sometimes I lose bladder/bowel function. Sometimes the cerebrospinal fluid pressure changes from the cysts in my back cause mindblowing headaches. Some days, I barely make it out of bed at all.
And this life does not suit me. At all.
I pray daily for the patience to endure my pain. I pray for the patience of my friends and family members, who are affected by my illnesses. I pray for the understanding of others, that although they may not know the particulars…they don’t judge me harshly for the things I’m not able to do. I pray that my husband doesn’t give up on me, and understands that I’m truly doing my best.
Did you hear that, world? I’M DOING MY BEST.
Please don’t give up on me. Please be patient with me. Please do not judge me for the things you don’t understand. And I’ll do the same for you.
Public Service Announcement: Never Sleep With a Laptop
Posted by on March 9, 2010 20 Comments
I am guilty for spending hours in bed with my laptop. And pretty often, I fall asleep with my laptop on my bed. Usually, the computer will go into standby mode after 30 minutes of inactivity. When I woke up this morning, I was shocked to see this huge blister on my hand:
I was puzzled…where did this blister come from? It didn’t look like a spider bite. It didn’t look like any of the crazy skin reactions I get when I’m allergic to something. It looked like a burn…but I didn’t remember burning myself. I reached over to my laptop to update my Twitter feed with a Twitpic (of course!)
I went to my doctors’ office, and confirmed that it was indeed a 2nd 3rd degree burn. I was told to lance the fluid when the swelling got too intense, slather it often in ointment, and keep it covered. It was so oozy that I went through a box of my Band-aids at home within 2 hours. So I headed to Sam’s Club for a bulk box of Band-aids.
In doing more research, I found out that burns and fires from overheated computers are quite common. Particularly from laptops in bed. High functioning processors can clock heats as high as 170 degrees F (80* C). That’s enough to cause a burn!
Moral of the story? Don’t sleep with a laptop, no matter how tempting it might be. You’ll just be burned in the morning.
Depressed Bloggers Anonymous
Posted by on March 8, 2010 12 Comments
Over the last few weeks, I have been catching up on my Google Reader. As I’ve skimmed and soaked in 1000+ blog posts over the last 3 months, I’ve found a common theme: depression. I read posts on Mormon Women Project, Blog Segullah, Mormon Mommy Blogs, FMH, Melancholy Smile, and other sites I love. I felt like these authors were speaking my language. Depression is my disease.
According to the DSM-IV, the following symptoms may occur with depression:
- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
- Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
- Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5 of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
- Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
- Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
- Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
- Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness, sadness, inadequacy, and poor self image. I had an extremely hard time making friends as a child, preferring to spend time alone rather than try to fit in. In 1992, the song “Creep” by Radiohead was released. I felt the lyrics so passionately:
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I’m not around
You’re so very* special
I wish I was special
But I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doin’ here?
I don’t belong here
I have struggled with diagnosed clinical depression since I was 16. I have always been an emotional and empathetic person. I am a moral perfectionist, always wanting to the right thing and to singlehandedly solve the world’s problems. I feel others’ pain and sadness. Even when my circumstances aren’t dire, I tend to feel so deeply of others’ struggles that I felt drained of my happiness. Sometimes my depressive episodes are are more cataclysmic than others, but usually I am able to function.
My first depressive episode spawned from qualifying for the state drama meet my sophomore year of HS, but having my drama teacher tell me that I couldn’t go. The principal wanted to limit attendees to one bus. It made me cry uncontrollably to the point I had to go home from school. And then I cried for the better part of a month, feeling so out of control. I met with my doctor, who said that my emotional state was more than an “episodic depression,” it was clinical depression.
Then throw in the times that I was depressed while pregnant, depressed post-partum, depressed when my ex-husband abused me for 4 years, depressed after my divorce, etc. Last summer the depression was so bad that I lost my job because I couldn’t function at work. I spent two months in bed, trying to overcome the dark void that I perceived my life to be. Then I got a new counselor, got on the right meds, made small attainable goals, and pulled myself out slowly. I still struggle everyday, but I’ve learned some wonderful coping mechanisms for getting by on a day-to-day basis.
Other than pills and counseling, my greatest relief comes from spending time with friends and loved ones. When I’m alone, I get down on myself. When I’m with others, I feel like I’ve got the whole world to give away to others. I treat myself to “happy-cations” where I plan out activities for myself where bad thoughts are not allowed. Whether it be time with a BFF, snuggling up with a good book in a quiet house, or treating myself to a cupcake with a neighbor, my “happy-cations” make such a big difference.
I’m grateful that others are willing to put out their depression struggles and stories in their blogs. It seems like blogging about depression is like a 12-step meeting…even through depression is not an addictive choice. Would anyone like to join my chapter of Depressed Bloggers Anonymous?
I Grit My Teeth and Fake a Smile
Posted by on February 27, 2010 4 Comments
I grit my teeth and fake a smile
And no one knows it all the while
My life is spent in waiting rooms
And stressing over copays due
My back is screaming, feet are numb
But to share my pain makes me feel dumb
I pawn my treasures and count pennies
To pay doctors bills and pharmacies
My husband’s based in Tennessee
So rarely can he care for me
Spanish Fork life gives me few perks
When Salt Lake City has all the work
Full-time employment may be a dream
When my pain daily makes me scream
I’m truly blessed to be Rosie’s mom
But she has nightmares that I’m GONE
My neighbors want to help my life
With MLM schemes for a stay-at-home wife
Unless it’s free, I can’t drink superjuice
So I’ll cry in bed, reading blogs like Dooce
Now that I’ve moaned and cried a bit
I’ll wipe my eyes, and publish it
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