The Ultimate High School Stalker Letter


I have been having a blast going through my old boxes of high school stuff. Pictures, ticket stubs, notes, old research papers, choir programs, mixtapes, and more. I’m an admitted pack rat when it comes to nostalgia, but there were some true gems in this box.

My favorite find was this letter from a boy that REALLY REALLY REALLY liked me. As in creepy-stalker-like. We met over the summer at an extra-curricular service project, and subsequently attended a leadership conference at USU. The next weekend, I accepted an invitation for a pity date. He took me to Stansbury Park Observatory, in which we sat in the back seat of an old pimped out Cadillac, driven by a 20something Hispanic buddy. It was a courtesy date in the first place, even creepier when he showed up with a chauffeur, and creepiest when he lunged toward me and started sucking on my neck on the way home. This letter was in response to the event.

Dear Nicole,
In case you were wondering, that letter that I wrote for Larry*, I also wrote a letter to you, though not nearly as gaudy. Within it were questions, that I felt only you could answer, concerning that night at the observatory!! But, I was talking to Larry* about the note, and he said that he let you read it. He said you told him not to tell me, though he told me anyways. Don’t be mad at Larry*, he still doesn’t know about how I asked you to go “skinny dipping.”

He said that when you found out that the letter was written by me, you rolled your eyes, when he told me this, it triggered an emotional spark, I thought that you were disgusted by my work, and thus tore the note to you into pieces innumerable, and threw them away. I regret that action, for the note was serious, and I have been in a downward spiral ever since that event, in fact, as I write this, I am almost certain that you are disgusted by the fact that I wrote you, and also feel that you will never read this note, due to the fact that you have shreddid it, and then probably incinerated it. So, I am probably wasting my time.

But if you’ve actually succumbed to your curiosity about what is written in these pages, then I will ask the questions that I meant to ask. I was wondering why, suddenly, I have gone from intriguing to revolting. I felt that you used to enjoy my presence, I felt that there was a sense, if only a little, of loss when I was absent. But after that night, things changed, dramatically. I have several theories on the matter. One is, when I kissed you, you found it disturbing, even the thought of such a vile creature touching your face with it’s mouth, revolting even to the point of nausea. Another might be, that you wanted me to kiss you, but sooner, and better, and more intensely. Which leads to the conclusion that my hesitance was the downfall of whatever we had built, my ignorance was the cause of it’s destruction. And then the most unlikely, when I kissed you, it triggered an emotional response, which triggered a memory of your lost love, and you did not want that to happen between us, so you stopped us from going any further.

Anyway you look at it, I am the louse. but I truly need to know my mistakes, so that I don’t destroy any more relationships. You probably consider me a coward for not confronting you directly about these issues, the reason for that is, I didn’t want to see me cry, and every time I think about my actions I feel guilt, and if I talk, my words stumble, and if I talk about it, I rain. I may actually confrunt you on these issues in hopes that you may answer. I need the knowledge that you have. I would also like to know, if we did it all over again, how would you want it to happen? And, if we were to try again, would you try to forget what had happened? I don’t wish to WASTE anymore of your time with meaningless babble.

With love and apologies,
Felix*

!!!Sorry to bring up bad memories

*names changed to protect the guilty. All spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors intact. And NO! I didn’t not go skinny dipping with him. Ew!
(circa August 1996)

Wednesday Weather Love Letter


Dear Rain,
Despite the gloominess that many people associate with stormy skies, you make me happy.

Love,
Nicole

When I went on my evening walk last night around 7:00 pm, it was 82 degrees but angry clouds threatened overhead. This morning around 5:30 am, I woke up to a tremendous storm. Thunder rumbled, lightning flashed, wind whipped, and rain/hail beat down. I opened my front door, sat on the entry tile in my pajamas, and watched the storm. Throughout the day, it’s rained pretty steadily and topped the mountains with a gorgeous crusting of snow. September snow.

I’ve always loved the rain. I grew up in Oregon where the climate is moist and temperate. I love how the rain makes everything beautiful and green. I love the refreshing smell. I love the sound of the drops beating on the roof. I love the rainbows. I love the cloud formations. I love the first glimpses of blue sky after a storm.

Last week, Georgia got slammed by massive rainstorms and flooding, and a tiny part of me wished that I could have been there to watch the storm. So as a consolation prize, I think Mother Nature sent along today’s storm just for me.

Letters I hate to receive

Letters that I’ve received this week, that I wish that I hadn’t opened:

“A case of headlice has been reported in your son and/or daughter’s classroom”

“A registered sex offender has moved into your building”

“The forbearance period has ended on loan XXXXXXX, and payments resume starting March 31”

…and of course, all the bank statements and student loan statements. I used to love checking the mail back when I had a zillion pen pals and actually got real letters. Now I’m lucky if I get a baby shower invitation sent every few months.

Oh, by the way, the price of a first class stamp goes up to $.44 on May 11. Lame.

Postscript – Two thorough checks, and Rosie’s lice free. Whew!

Today’s Rants

Olive Garden Restaurant
4749 Ashford Dunwoody Rd NE
Atlanta, GA 30338

Dear Manager,
I still have a bad taste in my mouth after eating at your restaurant last night. My food was okay…mediocre I suppose…but that is what I’ve come to expect from Olive Garden. It was a lame idea for your big-wigs to make the soup and salad “special” $9, because that’s about all I really enjoy at your establishment and more than a lot of your menu items that INCLUDE soup, salad, and breadsticks. Kinda like when you charge $3 for a little 1.5 ounce ramekin of marinara to dip your breadsticks, but you never say it’s an additional cost. But what I’m frustrated about today is how I was treated when I contested my bill last night. My daughter was in the mood for shrimp and I asked the server if any of the kids meals could have shrimp. He said “For you little girl, of course!” and he put in the order for the pasty little bowl of fettuccine alfredo. The shrimp was good, but I was appalled that the $4 pasta kids meal turned into a $9 kids meal with the addition of the shrimp. Really? $4.95 for 3 pieces of shrimp? Ridiculous. Even worse, the server insinuated that he was giving us a freebie, and then did the bait-n-switch to make her gross pasta bowl more expensive than my mediocre mezzaluna pasta. I talked to my server, and he said he’d have the manager take care of it. The manager came over, and said “as a courtesy” he knocked the price down to $2.95 for the shrimp…but he warned us that NEXT TIME we’d be charged full price. Next time? NEXT TIME? No, there will be no next time. I’m done with Olive Garden.

Regretfully,
Nicole

——

Dear City of La Verne, CA,

I am again contesting the parking ticket issued to my rental car on November 1, 2008 at 6:01 am. The infraction was for parking in a driveway and blocking the sidewalk. As you know, the city ordinance is that no parking is allowed on the street at night to allow a semi-monthly streetsweeper right-of-way. After my Halloween festivities, I parked my car behind my in-laws van, and went to sleep. They had used a large fire portable firepit in the driveway for keeping the trick-or-treaters warm as they hollered for their candy. Because of this burning hot firepit, it could not be moved to the backyard, and the van was parked as close to the pit as safe. I in turn parked the car right behind the van, but the bumper of the car was hanging over the last slab of driveway about 4 inches. The sidewalk right-of-way was slightly hindered, but completely accessible by bike, pedestrian, or wheelchair. Yes, I know my in-laws neighbors hate them, and call the police department and child protective services 2-5 times per month to spite them (and also turn the sprinklers on all the kids for trying to trick-or-treat at their door) But it was obviously them who tipped you off that one minute after the street was available to park on, a ticket was placed on my $14/day Jetta.

I paid the $25 ticket online, expeditiously to avoid a late fee, but also turned in an appeal. The appeal was never answered, which didn’t surprise me. But today in the mail I received a late notice for $115. I ALREADY PAID THE TICKET AND HAVE THE EMAIL CONFIRMATION! But you have no record. I have to fax a copy of the ticket, my bank statement, and the email receipt. Unfortunately, the ticket and bank statement is in a box in transit between Michigan and Georgia. And if I don’t pay the ticket again by Monday, it’s another $25 late fee tacked on.

For a city I love so much, I’m not so happy about you La Verne.

Annoyed,
Nicole

——-

Dear Taylor,
I love you so much, and I’m so appreciative that you have worked so hard this week to pack up the rest of our life in Michigan. We will likely never experience the crazy cold temperatures that we did in Detroit. However, please stop teasing me for being cold. It’s 38 degrees out here in Atlanta, and I’m in the house shivering in my parka because it’s so cold. Rosie’s wrapped up in a blanket next to me. You tease me for wanting to turn on the heater. But you have your coat on and are complaining about it being too hot. Can’t you just take of your coat and long sleeve shirt, and let us turn on the heat so we stop shivering?

Pleadingly,
Nicole

Dear Government,

Dear Government,
All eyes are on the Detroit Automakers request for a multi-billion dollar bailout. I realize this is a huge request, with many long-term consequences either way. However, at this moment I’m requesting another type of bailout in the Detroit region. Help my struggling family for the next month. I just paid my bills- car payment, credit card payment, 2 student loan payments, electricity, daycare, dentist, tithing, car insurance, union dues, internet, cell phone, etc – and the following will just have to wait till the next paycheck. (Which is a terrible way to feel in this holiday season).

If you choose to comply, this is what we need:

$368.17 for student loan #3 (I was able to pay the first 2)
$420.18 for student loan #4
$351.74 for student loan #5
$224.25 for car loan
$51.07 for gas bill (yes, we keep our apartment at a 61 degrees in the winter so our bill is affordable)

Total bailout: $1415.41

And if you’re feeling extra generous, feel free to send $1105 to pay for our moving truck, $500 for our security deposit, and enough to cover our first and last month’s rent. And for good measure, some groceries and a fat gas card for all my traveling.

See! Much easier than $15 billion!

Love,
Nicole

Thursday Green

Dear IRS,
Thank you for your promises of a generous tax refund. I am happy that it will soon pad my unemployed bank account. I look forward to my future rebate check as well.

So why must you tease me with promises of $2100 direct deposited into my account by March 14th? It’s now the 20th and I have seen no evidence of this deposit. The automated alerts went through correctly, I remembered my AGI from last year to use as my PIN, and I took the standard deduction. Are you penalizing my patience and early-filing diligence with a hand-examined return by one of your auditors?

Please respond soon. Or better yet, just silently slip $2k into my bank account tonight. I have student loan payments due tomorrow.

Love,
Nicole