My Last Night With The CRV – The Breakup

honda test drive 2013

Breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you’re in love.

John Mayer has a song I love called “Spilt Screen Sadness“, which is about breaking up (even when you know you’re good together in so many ways).

“All you need is love is a lie, cause we had love, but we still said goodbye. Now we’re tired, battered fighters. And it stings when it’s nobody’s fault, cause there’s nothing to blame at the drop of your name. It’s only the air you took and the breath you left…”

Last night was my final night of my week with the 2013 Honda CRV EX-L that was lent to me by Ken Garff Honda of Orem. I needed to go up to Bountiful to borrow some snow pants for my daughter’s winter campout for school, so I figured it was a good time to take a nice long drive by myself.

Pearl Jam "Black"I’ve had many loves in my life. I’m one of those girls that falls hard and fast when she sees someone that’s a good match for her. That can be evidenced by the fact that I married my first husband less than four months after we met for the first time. It took a lot of restraint to wait a whole six months to marry Taylor.

But not all love is good for you, and last night I had to come to terms with the fact that it’s over for me and the CRV. Because the dealership wants it back. My week of the #HondaTestDrive is almost up.

True Story: Many of my breakups have happened while sitting in a dark car, listening to music, and trying to find the right words to say. And one of the songs playing during a breakup with a high school boyfriend was “Black” by Pearl Jam: “And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything. All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything.”

Last night in the CRV, “Black” came up on shuffle. It reminded me of that breakup, and how I’ll be “breaking up” with the CRV tomorrow when Ken Garff gets it back. This line of the song was particularly poignant:

“I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky,
But why, why, why can’t it be, can’t it be mine?”

Last night became a sad night for me. I cranked up my angsty “melancholy” playlist and  sang at the top of my lungs. I also grabbed my last #PDR (a bottle of IBC Root Beer, mind you! I’m part of the Bloggers Against Drunk Driving campaign).

A full review of my week with the CRV will be published this week. Until my hands are pried from the smooth leather steering wheel, I’ll enjoy my last few moments with my love that was not meant to be.

TMI Friday: Potty Humor

seo.com toilet explosionIf you’ ve been reading my blog or Twitter stream for any amount of time, you’ve probably realized that I have an insatiable draw toward “potty humor.” I’ve worked in healthcare for many years, and I know quite a bit about how the human body works.

But yesterday at work, something really funny happened with the potty.

The toilet exploded.

I don’t think it’s been confirmed whether it is a result of a bad prank, or bad plumbing, but I’m betting on the latter. Can you imagine the Workers Comp claim had someone been on the pot at the time?

This incident has made me come up with so many funny jokes, I can hardly contain myself. But today, why don’t you, lovely readers, come up with a witty comment for this picture?

Best comment…just maybe…will get a prize…

Ode to a Certain Irish Airline

No airline is perfect, but a certain Irish airline tends to live up to all these cliches. Enjoy!

Survival Tips For Working In An Office Full of Men

restroom sign male femaleThree weeks ago I started my new job. After 18 months of unemployment, and moving from the medical field to a tech company, there has been a fair amount of culture shock. More than anything, it has been strange to spend my days not only working with people my own age, but working with a bunch of men.

Honestly, I’ve always been more of a guy’s girl. I was a basketball-obsessed tomboy as I transitioned from childhood to adolescence. I know about makes and models of cars. I understand the importance of red meat. I grew up with a brother who hyperactively rough-housed with me. All of this background has helped me assimilate into my new workplace.

So with further ado…here are some tips I’ve compiled to survive working in an office full of men (and I say this with all the love in my heart) –

Barney Stinson
•The secret weapon, both in Ugly Sweater contests and working in a male-centric office, is glitter. If they’re teasing you, and you want to be left alone, pull out the glitter. It’s more effective than tear gas.

•Edible bribery works wonders. Especially if it’s homemade.

•Expect to be pelted with Nerf Balls, and practice throwing so you can hit them back. I sit next to a boy who is under perpetual crosshairs, and missed throws usually hit me. At least that’s what my boss said on my first day when I got a direct hit, square in my chest.

•Take compliments with grace. They will try to apologize with flattery, and if they can tell you accept their compliment as an apology, they will not act mopey with guilt the rest of the day.

•Say “thank you” when they open doors for you, allow you to walk ahead first in a tight hallway, or pay for your #PDR. It ups your chance of them acting like a gentleman and treating you like a lady.

•Expect to hear every iteration of curse words, except for the curse word itself. Apparently the boys in my office use a Filthy Filter.

•Don’t tease the “BroMances.”  They will always tell you that they are “just friends.”

•Never, under any circumstance, leave your workstation unlocked when leaving your desk. You never know when your screen will be punk’d with an embarrassing wallpaper, or secret settings will render your mouse unusable.

Aim to Keep The Bathroom Clean

So far the #1 perk for working in a male-centric office has been bathroom stall access. It took nearly 3 weeks before I walked into the restroom and had to wait for a stall. The day I had to wait an extra two minutes, I came back to my desk and the guys asked to make sure I was okay. I also know so much more about video games and sports scores!

They may tease me incessantly, but I know they care.

Flight of the Conchords Fansterpiece

If you are a Flight of the Conchordsfan, you’ll love this Fansterpiece Mashup of “Hiphoppopotomus/ Rhymnocerous.” I wish I’d known about this project, because I totally would have submitted a video to HBO.

Skymall Birthday Wishlist


I love to shop, but not in the traditional “Let’s go to the mall and have a girly shopping spree heyday” kind of shopping. As soon as I was old enough to help my mom clip coupons, I gained mad discount bargain shopping skills. I am true to my brand loyalties, despite buying most of my stuff at discount retailers and thrift stores. Growing up, I was a sucker for the “As Seen On TV” commercial products (I still am, if the recently acquired SlapChop in my cupboard is any indication). I’ve been shopping online since the late 1990′s, and get better prices on the things I do buy that way. Although I don’t do much shopping from catalogs, I have had a longtime guilty pleasure obsession with SkyMall Magazine.

Nothing produces a case of the “Gimmes” more than Skymall. It’s a brilliant airline marketing tactic…fill 136 pages with exciting and unique products, and provide each passenger with a copy at arm’s length. I usually ban myself from even pulling the magazine out of my seatback pocket, knowing that I will launch into greedy materialistic consumer mode before I hit 10,000′ altitude. But on my flight back from Memphis this weekend, I indulged in a little SkyMall fantasizing. In honor of my upcoming 30th birthday (in 17 days), here is my Skymall wishlist:


Magellan Aluminum Wallet $29.95
I’ve never actually purchased something directly through Skymall, but I have found the items on eBay and purchased them for much less (I still don’t know why people pay $30 for an iPod charger when you can get one for less than $3 on eBay…) If these gifts are out of your price range, you can also check out my Amazon Wishlist…and I say this in the least greedy, “I’ll still be your friend regardless of the gift” voice possible. I like presents, but I like friends more. Stay tuned for details on my upcoming 30th birthday bash on February 5th…

Just for fun…comment and tell me what your SkyMall obsession items!

The Twilight Years

Twilight Years from Tom on Vimeo.

For all you Twi-hard YSA’s that are reaching that “cut off point” soon…or who have been that age for a while. 18 and 33…can their worlds collide?

“You don’t have roommates. You propose impossibly fast. You got your mission call from Howard W. Hunter. I know what you are.”

“Say it. Out loud. Say it.”

“You’re in the family ward. How old are you?”

“Eighteen”

“How long have you been eighteen?”

“Fifteen years. Are you afraid?”

“No.”

“My friends and I, we’re not like your kind. I moved out of the singles’ ward years ago.”

“I’d rather die than not be with you in your ward. I want to be with you forever.”

“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you. I’ve loved you ever since you left the Laurels.”

Tweeting on a Jet Plane

Tipped off by Someday. Brilliant!

1997 Yahoo! Personals Ads

photo blurred to protect the innocent

The summer before my senior year, my boyfriend was getting ready to leave on his mission. We were coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to “put myself in cold storage for two years.” So we thought it would be fun to put up an online personal ad for me on Yahoo (back when dating on the internet was SO faux pas). While we were at it, we did one for him too.

Woman seeks Man: I’m just a Girl!
Salt Lake City, UT

Seeking: Short-term relationship, activity partner, pen pal

Age: 17 Ethnicity: Caucasian Religion: Christian

Profile: Athletic/fit, 5’9″, non-smoker, non-drinker, no children

Description: If you’re rich, I’m single! Shower me with money and gifts if you wish, but I’d be just as happy going dutch. I am looking for some new friends, preferably LDS, to spend my short abundance of free time with this summer. I consider myself to beautiful, but not fake; Serious, but I know how to have a rockin’ good time; Intelligent, but I’m still working on my Nobel Peace Prize; Mega-feminine, but good luck playing sports against me. Affectionate, but I never kiss on a first date. I love to sing, act, learn, and make the most out of life. You’ll have to get used to me singing along with the radio in the car, but I sing like a pro! I enjoy anything outdoors, especially hiking, swimming, repelling, camping, and sometimes even gardening! There’s a lot more to me than can fit into one paragraph, so if I strike your fancy, “Leave me a message at the beep and I’ll get right back to you” <>

Contact: Citrusfruit

*****
Man seeks Woman: I am in a fishing mood
Salt Lake City, UT

Age: 19 Ethnicity: White Religion: Christian

Education: College Employment: Full time
Profile: Slim/Waifish, 6’1″, non-smoker, non-drinker, no children

Description: So you want to be a wizard. Looking for a little magic? Well search no further. I enjoy long conversations, as long as I am the one talking. I enjoy a variety of interests as long as I choose. I will go out with anyone as long as you pay. If I sound like your archangel, I am. Time and all eternity as long as I control the remote. Being carried across the threshold?…if you insist but don’t hurt your back. If you enjoy a whole 100 pound man, I am your Fabio. If you are looking for an eternal flame, I am your heavenly match. Cuddle on the couch, as long as my team isn’t playing. So write me and if I am impressed enough I will think about responding. I take great pride in my humility.

Contact: okiiniwatori

Twelve Utah Christmases


On my first Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree

On my second Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two years on a mission
And the Smart family on my TV

On my third Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Three Degrees of Glory
Two years in Australia
And a First Amendment controver-sy

On my fourth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
4-A high school roundball
Three Sunday meetings
Two years in Korea
And that business with the SLOC

On my fifth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
FIVE-QUART ICE CREAMS
Four firing squads
Three scrapbooks
Two years in Peru
And a movie that’s G or PG

On my sixth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six kids and counting
FIVE YEARS OF DROUGHT
Four quilting bees
Three meth labs
Two years in Japan
And a reservoir that’s almost emp-ty

On my seventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven singing Osmonds
Six kids and counting
FIVE TOM GREEN WIVES
Forbidden love
Three spudnuts
Two years in Brazil
And a single poli-tickle par-ty

On my eighth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight cups of Postum
Seven kids and counting
Six beehive hairdos
FIVE MONTHS OF SNOW
Forty private clubs (for members)
Three-two beer
Two years in Taiwan
And a salty lake that’s really stink-y

On my ninth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine percent minorities
Eight kids and counting
Seventies in Conference
Sixteen to start dating
FIVE FEET OF SLUSH (Oh my heck!)
Forgeries for sale
Three-piece suits
Two years in Ukraine
And a fiancée in Happy Vall-ey

On my tenth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten bucks for parking
Nine kids and counting
Eight missing off-ramps
Seven guns per person
Six famous golfers
UTAH BY FIVE
Fourteen ski resorts
Three fault lines
Two years in Detroit
And a minivan or SUV (or both, plus a station wagon)

On my eleventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven Mormon temples
Ten kids and counting
Nine NuSkin neighbors
Ate at Chuck-a-Rama
Theven thpecial thpiritth
Six Jell-o salads
FIVE ORRIN TERMS (Oh my Hatch!)
Forecast is cold
Three Eubanks (three?)
Two years in Tibet
And an uncompleted Lega-cy (Highway)

On my twelfth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve-year-old deacons
Eleven kids and counting
Ten percent tithing
Nine zillion seagulls
Ate a bunch of crickets
Seven Peaks in Provo
Six hours to Vegas
FIVE PRO SPORTS TEAMS (if you count indoor football)
Four standard works
Three Nephites
Tooele sucks!
And a Tabernacle Choir CD !!!!!

(This truly is my 12th Christmas in Utah, by the way)
Mad props to spaff.com for this “peculiar” parody

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