Snarkolepsy

I will admit it. I’m an emotional person. When I feel anything, I typically feel it very deeply. I typically care too much for things that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on, and have a deep sense of guilt for the things that I didn’t accomplish because I spent so much time on whatever it was that occupied my time (wow, that was a run-on sentence!). I also am a selectively private person…if I open up about anything personal to others about myself, I blurt it all out on that particular topic. I keep a pretty confident facade toward the public, as I’ve learned that you are more likely to make friends and be surrounded by positive people if you are positive yourself. But a lot of it is a facade. I have learned the art of the fake smile. But today I can’t give a fake smile. I actually feel quite miserable. And where better to share it than in a blog, eh? So here is a inhibition-free account of my life at the present.

The last 24 hours, I have been feeling a massive, raging sadness and loneliness. I have shed more tears than in recent memory. And not just tears…massive, globulous tears that are so big that they slide down my cheeks and down my neck and shirt within about 2 seconds flat. If I lay on my side, my ear will fill up with tears and overflow into my hair. I have a headache the size of Montana. My chin has quivered uncontrollably, and my face contorted to some pretty unattractive positions as I’ve sobbed myself into oblivion. I cried on the phone with Taylor, cried as I washed dishes, cried as I IM’d a friend, cried as I drove, cried myself to sleep, cried through sacrament meeting, and just got off the phone from crying to Taylor again. I’m crying as I this blog is being written.

And why am I crying??? I am realizing the fact that I’ll never be as perfect as I set out for myself to be. My adult life has never been “easy” or “normal” for more than a few months. Large trial after large trial have beset me often. My life is so overwhelming right now…full time work, full time school, trying to be a good parent (who spends sufficient, entertaining, and enriching time with Rosie daily), trying to be healthy and lose weight again, missing my family in Utah, not being a burden on my family here, coping with my husband on the other side of the country for the rest of the near future, etc… I feel like every aspect is sagging in my life…I don’t get much positive feedback at work, which makes me doubt if I’m appreciated and meeting everyone’s expectations. I’m having a hard time keeping up with my course of study for school (l’ve already decided against the fast track to graduation). I have gained back over 20 pounds in the last 6 weeks, that took me 8 months to lose. I make it to the gym less and less, rely on food for stress relief more and more, wake up later and later in the morning, and haven’t been keeping up on daily spirituality (i.e. scriptures, meaningful prayers, PREPARING my primary lesson before Sunday morning)

But the hardest part is being married to a wonderful man that I rarely see. He’s finally making strides in his career, got a paycheck this week, and is doing what he needs to do to make our family succeed financially. But he’s still far away, I don’t know when I’ll see him next, and his future plans aren’t established securely enough to plan on anything long term. His assignment to Detroit was confirmed this week, but he won’t actually go to Detroit for a few months. It would be ridiculous for me to relocate to Memphis for now, but I am wondering if a Detroit relocation will be a reality in the next few months.

Detroit has never been a city I’ve had any inkling to visit, let alone move to. Yeah, I know there are good neighborhoods and cultural diversity and things that I’ve come to enjoy in LA…but Detroit? How do you even fathom moving to a region you have never even explored? I don’t know anyone that lives there to get an honest perspective on the D-town lifestyle (and although the wikipedia account is thorough, I refuse to base my future on a website.) I don’t know how strong the church is there, how far I’d have to drive to a temple, and how I’d cope living away from ALL family when Rosie gets baptized next year.

Yes, I understand that I may be getting ahead of myself at this point. Pinnacle may announce a west coast hub and we’ll just be content to stay in So Cal for the time being. But what if moving is the right thing? With the thought of still working full time and moving without my husband here…AACCKK! I can’t even hypothesize over it.

I’m tired. I think I’ll cry myself to sleep for a Sunday afternoon nap.

“Being an intellectual is not the same as being a snob. Feeding your brain is sexy”
Yahoo Horoscopes, Aquarius, 8/15/07

So far, nobody knows that I’ve started this blog. Good thing, since I haven’t posted anything a few weeks. I think about what blogs would be fun and witty to post, but I never actually sit down and type it out. Excuses, excuses.

Liz’s birthday was last week. On the actual day, I went out to dinner with her and her mom. It is such a hoot to spend time with them together. We had hoped for a gelato run, but we decided to hit a book club instead, and by the time it was over, the gelato shop was closed. The big party was Friday night. The highlight of the evening was Federicos princess cake. Their marzipan is delightful! I met a few more of her friends, reconnected with ones that I met previously, and giggled as Rosie sprayed down and styled Brett’s hair with a squirt gun.

Saturday Rosie and I went hiking with Brett in the Santa Rosa mountains near Murrieta. Brett had been talking about a beautifully green area with interesting vernal pools. Unfortunately, the last time he went was in the Spring of 2006, before this massive drought. Everything was dried up, including the pools. But we hiked nonetheless. Rosie led the way through the sweltering heat to the adobes, where we stopped for some food. We played around on the big rocks and took some pictures. On the way back, we spotted some random watermelon vines (one of the only living plants in the area). The hike back was difficult, as most of it was uphill. I stopped for a few “shade breaks” and followed a coyote in a nearby field. We were gone about 3 hours…quite a workout!

Monday night I went to the Gliss show at the Viper Room with Liz and Brett. It was my first show to be “on the list” and have to enter through the velvet rope. We met up with Patrick and Jessie, and rocked out for the next hour. The band before I’d never heard of, and wasn’t terribly impressed with. Gliss, however, rocked! I loved how the members traded off instruments, and captured the crowd. The set was fairly short, but definitely worth the drive to Hollywood. After waiting in a cloud of cigarette smoke to meet the band, we headed off to the 101 Cafe. We had hot chocolate and sweet potato fries (“Orgasmic,” according to Patrick). I fell asleep on the way back, and finally crashed into bed at 2 am.

Currently, I’m about halfway done with Deathly Hallows. I’ve hit that point that everyone says you can’t put the book down. Unfortunately, I have to put it down to do some homework. But as my horoscope says…smart is sexy. I’d better go feed my brain.

I’ve been a blogger for a few years now, but I never seem to stick with the same blog. I’m giving Blogspot another try. I’ll probably post the same stuff on myspace and this place, so forgive my redundancy.

The good news of the day is Taylor’s job offer from Pinnacle Airlines. He has been awaiting this call for the past two weeks since his interview. He was hired as a first officer airline pilot for a CRJ-200 jet. He’ll start 7 weeks of training in Memphis on August 13. His journey to actually making money as a pilot has been a strenuous, expensive, and unpredictable two and a half year adventure. He’ll be living the dream he’s had for himself since he was three years old.

Life is once again tolerable and happy. We’ve had a lot of trials in the last month, and it seems fitting that the job offer came on July 31st…we can start August fresh.

Current mood: frustrated

What do the numbers 22, 55, 57, 215, 80, 210, 10, 60, 170, 101, 110, 5, 134, and 405 have in common?

That’s all of the freeways I’ve driven on today. (blech)

What is significant about $158?

Thats how much I’ve spent just today on filling gas tanks and paying for my Long Beach rental car.

Which two friends willingly came to my rescue today?

Jeanne and Leslie

How many hours of sleep did I get last night?

2.5 hours

How many minutes between the moment I jumped out of bed to leave for the airport and when my flight took off?

63 minutes

I usually don’t use blogs to vent, just to update others on my life. But I really feel like I’ve gotta vent. These last 24 hours have been terrible. I’ve called a few friends and left messages to get a little support, but nobody’s called back. Taylor is already in bed, none of my good friends are in IM now. I’m feeling isolated and like I’m going to burst. It’s funny for me to say that I’m so frustrated right now, because yesterday I was basking in the happiness of an absolutely fabulous week in Utah and Idaho. I’ll blog about the fun later and post some pics.

Now just as a disclaimer, any named names are just for reference…I’m not writing this blog just to point blame on people. I understand that life is crazy, and you can’t plan everything ahead of time. I’m usually pretty easygoing if someone will have to fall through with a commitment. I just am not used to so many falling through at once. Especially when pregnant (my intended ride is, not me) And when you find out you’re in a pickle later than it’s socially acceptable to call around for help…your options can be very limited. That’s why I feel like I’m nearing my breaking point.

So I called around numorus taxi and shuttle companies, and the cheapest ride from Long Beach to La Verne was $85, plus extra for Rosie. I looked on dozens of websites until I found a rental for $60. JB agreed to help me return the rental during the evening, so I went for it…even though it was still more expensive than I could afford.

Then I had to find a sitter to watch Rosie while I go to work. Her summer daycare doesn’t start until next week, so for the rest of the week we’re scrambling for help. I called everyone in my cell phone contacts to see who could help. Rosie went over to Leslie’s house for the day, and I headed off to work.

Work was okay…I little boring and hard to get into. But I survived.

In the evening, I picked up JB and Rosie to help drop off the rental. Unfortunately, we’d only been communicating through texts, and I didn’t know that she was meeting a group of friends later in the evening. Instead of a quick 45 min each way to Long Beach, we drove up to Burbank/North Hollywood to meet up for a gathering in Canoga Park. Three hours later…I just barely got home.

I have a splitting headache too. My vision is getting blurry. Time for bed. Hopefully I’ll wake up on the right side of it tomorrow.

Currently listening : It Won’t Be Soon Before Long By Maroon 5 Release date: 22 May, 2007

Current mood: drained

So it’s 3:00 am, I’ve only gotten 3.5 hours of sleep and I know I’m completely exhausted…but I can’t sleep. This has been the case since early April. Some nights I sleep okay…4-6 hours. But usually I wake up multiple times and feel groggy during the day. I saw the sleep specialist last week, who agreed that I need another polysomnography test. I’m waiting on the pre-auth from my insurance.

I’m not sure my exhaustion is just from lack of sleep. Responsibilities at work have increased, I started school last week, I’ve had a lot of church obligations, and I miss Taylor terribly. Since my asthma attack a few weeks ago, my energy level has plummeted. I don’t have the energy to make a full hour of cardio at the gym anymore….20 min is pushing it. I’ve gained back 7 pounds this month, due to lack of exercise, overeating, and steroids.

Taylor’s interview date with Pinnacle has been pushed back a few weeks, so it looks like he’ll be in FL until early June. It’s still unclear how long he’ll have between his interview and his start date in Memphis. I hope we get a week or so, but there are no promises. He’ll be in Memphis for two months, then on reserve in Detroit. This year is really going to suck. I wish his flight benefits kicked in sooner so we could see each other more often. Distance has definitely made the heart grow fonder.

I’m feeling a little under-sympathized than I’d hoped at this point. Right when Taylor left, neighbors, friends, and ward members were clammoring to help me. (Babysitting, dinners, etc…) I wasn’t that lonely at first, and I was holding up really well. Now that I’m lonely and worn out, I have a really hard time figuring out help with Rosie. Now that I’m in school, I feel like my life is overly scheduled out everyday and I don’t get a chance for ALONE time very often. Just about everywhere I go, Rosie goes too. Last night I really wanted to go to a movie by myself, just to get out and enjoy myself….but I couldn’t find anyone to watch Rosie. Tonight I’m going to a concert and I can’t find any help either. It’s hard, since I won’t be getting home from Hollywood until 2ish am….and a sleepover really would work better. But since tomorrow’s Sunday, a lot of people have a no-sleepover rule for Saturday nights in my ward. I feel like I’ve over-extended Eleanor with watching Rosie 1-2 times a week. I just don’t want people to feel put out…even though Rosie is super-easy to take care of.

I know this too shall pass, but for now I’m struggling a lot. Rosie has been a great help for me not to miss Taylor so much…but I can only handle so much kid-time and kid-activities. I love her to bits, but I’m deep down a person who needs a lot of alone time to refresh and renew myself for my self-imposed overly busy life. Taylor is always telling me to cut out something, but I feel the need to fill up my life even more to not miss him. It is not good that man/woman should be alone.

If any of you are feeling sympathy, let me know if you are willing to help. It seems like my only alone time is from 5-6 pm, from when I get off work until I pick up Rosie from daycare….but most of the time is in the car to just commute home. I’m a go places/do things kinda girl, and I’m usually not content to just stay home every night.

I’ll be fine. I know it will….eventually.

Currently listening : Continuum By John Mayer Release date: 12 September, 2006

A few people have commented on my profile song, Buddha’s Delight. It’s the song that’s been stuck in my head all week, and it’s on the “Music and Lyrics” soundtrack. It makes me laugh everytime I hear it. It’s a parody of Britney Spears’ “Toxic.”

I completed my first 5k this morning, running approx 1/3 of the race. My time wasn’t stellar (54:14) but for my first 5k I’m proud that I made it through. I used it as more of a social walking time to chat with my WW buddies. I was greeted at the finish line by the cartoonish LA County Fair mascots, a horse, cow, and pig…who gave me a high five and I ran through the finish line. I am sore, but empowered. Take that, Dr. Tello!

After the race, I grabbed a pineapple smoothie at Podge’s, discovered a cool little thrift store in old town La Verne, ran some errands, watched a few things off my tivo, went to an Open House for a family in our ward that is moving, and helped Rosie go through a bunch of clothes to donate or sell.

I went out to dinner with Liz and some of their friends to celebrate Emily’s b-day at Honolulu Harry’s (which is owned by Dr. Lally). I met a lot of new, fun people, had some excellent food, showed off my Florida pics, Rosie entertained the crowd, and I had an all-around good time.

All in all, it’s been a good day. I’m going to take my motrin and go to bed.

I went to water aerobics tonight and pushed myself harder than I ever have. I was doing the kicks…but totally kicking out of the water and above my head. I used heavier weights, did more reps, and exercised some muscles I didn’t know existed. Now I’m soooo sore. I can hardly walk up stairs. My poor glutes.

If anyone wants to join me, I go to 24Aqua at 24 Hour Fitness in Upland at 6:00 Monday nights. It’s a killer class…I’ve gone down a size in my swimsuit in the last month.

As I’ve mentioned a few times, I’ve been on a big (pardon the pun) weight loss kick since October. I was just scanning through a few pictures from last summer and couldn’t believe that those pictures were me. I was sick of how I looked and how I felt, and decided to make the changes necessary to be healthy and fit. The endorphins are so addicting. I’ve been sleeping better and having more energy during the day. It’s easier to find clothes that fit, and I have so much more confidence. It’s much easier to stick with what is healthy when I see the results. Let’s hope I can keep this up…I’m going to Florida later this month!